"Jesus Christ! This guy literally sucks balls!" Kyle yelled at his TV. Trevor looked up from his sketchbook to where Kyle was yelling. God, that guy really did suck balls.
"Mind if I get on VC for a sec?" Trevor asked.
"Yeah yeah go ahead dude." Kyle took a sip of his Gatorade and handed his headset to Trevor, who proceeded to call the guy who sucked balls a "cocksucking mega-shit who can't aim for shit". Trevor collapsed into a fit of laughter before he could finish though, so Kyle took over the mic and finished what Trevor started.
"Learn how to aim dumbass, you’re literally dragging our whole fucking team down. Jesus Christ, dude." Kyle yelled into the mic.
"Bro you’re literally getting mad at pixels. Get a fucking hobby, man," the guy who sucked balls said.
If he were a different man, Kyle would have gotten mad and started yelling into the mic some more. But Kyle was not a different man. He shoved the mic into his mouth and started making gurgling noises as loud as he could. Trevor lost his mind laughing. He was curled up on the floor, holding his sides, while Kyle continued to make gurgling noises into the mic. Life was good when Kyle and Trevor were doing nothing together.
Kyle continued to make noises into the mic with Trevor crying from laughter, until about a minute later when he realized he had been kicked from the game.
"Dude they literally just kicked me, I didn’t even do anything!" Kyle huffed.
Trevor was still getting his bearings together. "It was that cocksucker I'll bet." he said between giggles.
"Yeah... I bet so dude."
Kyle was silent for a moment, then looked down at Trevor, still sitting on the floor.
"Hey bro... you know Skyler in our 3rd hour?" Kyle said quietly.
"Yeah I know her, she’s literally in our class, dipshit" Trevor replied.
"Hey, you’ll have to promise not to make fun of me for saying this..." Kyle said. Trevor’s "I Should Make Fun of This Guy" sensor was going off, and he was tempted to lie and say he wouldn’t and then immediately begin teasing him, but Trevor felt like he knew better. After all, Kyle never made fun of him for drawing nothing but fat-tittied anime girls in his sketchbook.
"Yeah yeah I promise or whatever, what about Skyler?"
"Bro you can’t just say you promise... you gotta like, actually promise dude!"
"I literally just said I promised dumbass, what’s the big deal man?"
"God, fine, I’ll fucking tell you... Just like, gimme a sec... Sorry, I think we gotta turn off the Eminem. I can’t take myself seriously with fucking Eminem playing. Holy shit." Kyle got up to turn off the CD player.
"Jesus Christ dude, just spit it out already. What’s the deal with Skyler? Wait..." Trevor looked directly at Kyle. "Dude, do you have a crush on her?"
"No! I don’t! She’s like... not even my fucking type or something..." Kyle blushed.
"Bro you totally do, don’t you?" Trevor teased. "Dude you totally get hard as diamonds thinking about her, I can tell"
"I LITERALLY DO NOT SHUT UP DUDE!" Kyle tossed an empty Monster can at Trevor, which did nothing but doink off his head onto the ground.
"Hey hey, take it easy man. I won’t laugh at you if you do. Just... I didn’t expect it to be Skyler."
"What’s that supposed to mean, huh?"
"Isn’t she like, gay or something?"
"No? Where’d you hear that from, dumbass? She’s not gay, she’s lesbian you dipshit. That means I have a chance with her, dude"
"Ohh, right, I forgot. But still, I thought you only liked the hentai girls I draw."
"Well yeah, they’re fucking hot, dude. But like, I can’t talk to them or anything."
"You don’t even talk with Skyler"
"God, I know I don’t, dude! But we all have 3rd hour together so maybe I could like, ask her out or something. And you could like, be on standby or whatever."
Trevor thought for a moment. He’d never asked a real girl out before, but he knew it wasn’t like his eroge where he could save beforehand in case it all goes wrong.
"Yeah fine, I’ll make sure you don’t cum your pants talking to her." Trevor said.
"Thanks dude, I’ll be sure to pay you back somehow."
"No need to, it’s on the house. And I’ll even lend you some of my best dating sims for practice."
"I don’t need your goddamn romance games, dipshit. I’m not a fucking loser who dates 2D women."
"Dude, you've literally told me you jerk off to the girls I draw. You totally would if you could."
"Aw, shut up dude!" Kyle laughed. Trevor was right, he totally would, but it just wasn’t the same as a real, flesh-and-blood person. And although Trevor would try to convince him otherwise, Kyle knew you couldn’t really go on dates or fuck or hold hands with a drawing. "But you’ll... you’ll still be there behind me, right?"
"Hey don’t start being all sentimental on me, it’s not a big deal, I just wanna make sure you don’t totally make a clown of yourself." Trevor teased.
"Yeah yeah, whatever! At least I’m the one getting a real woman and not some anime girl with fucking blue hair!" Kyle laughed.
"Hey that’s a low blow, man!"
After like, a week and a half, the boys felt like Kyle had received enough training from playing eroge at Trevor’s house. Although Kyle had exchanged nearly zero words with Skyler in this time, he felt ready. During 3rd hour, after Trevor spent the last 5 minutes hyping him up, Kyle decided to shoot his shot.
"Hey, Skyler, nice hat. The buttons look cool. What’s that orange and pink one?"
Skyler jumped 40 feet into the air. God, it was so calculated and exaggerated you couldn’t help but cringe a little.
"OMIGOD you scared me!! The orange and pink one? Ohh, that’s the lesbian flag!!"
"Oh, nice."
Trevor jumped out from behind Kyle. "Kyle knows what that is."
"Yeah yeah, I know what that is."
There was a silence. Kyle was running through his head looking for conversation topics, but oh my god there was nothing there! Trevor’s romance games hadn’t prepared him for zero conversation! All those conversations were scripted! Jesus Christ, wasn’t Trevor supposed to come to his rescue by now? Quick, think of something! God, anything! Don’t pass up this chance!
"Hey Sk-"
The bell rang. Embarrassing. Kyle turned towards Trevor.
"Bro... I passed up my chance." Kyle sighed.
"Yeah you kind of did, dude. But you’ll be alright, it’s only Monday. You have the rest of the week to piss your pants" Trevor said.
"I guess you’re right... Just gotta keep practicing."
The rest of the day was uneventful. The boys headed back to Trevor’s house to continue Kyle’s training; there wasn’t much progress made but they had a nice time either way.
Tuesday. 3rd Hour. Kyle was ready. Trevor was ready. Skyler was unaware of her role in this scheme, but that didn’t matter. The boys were ready. Today, Skyler had drawn cat whiskers on her cheeks with eyeliner. An unorthodox style choice, but it was certainly striking.
"Hey Skyler, what’s with the cat whiskers?" Kyle asked.
"Hm? Oh, these are my Dan and Phil whiskers!" Skyler said.
"Oh yeah, I know those guys." Kyle lied.
"Yeah, they’re my smol beans! Oh, do you want to see some fanart I drew of them?" Skyler didn’t wait for an answer. She pulled out her giant sketchbook and started flipping through pages.
"Dude, she’s totally into you." Trevor whispered to Kyle.
"Here they are!" Skyler shoved the sketchbook into Kyle’s hands. He had to admit, even though he knew nothing about these guys, she was a good artist. Maybe even better than Trevor.
Trevor peered over Kyle’s shoulder at the sketchbook. "Oh wow... that’s actually pretty impressive." He muttered.
"Thanks! I submitted it to their Tumblr page last night, I hope they showcase it!"
"Yeah, I bet they will. I like the uhh... detail on the hands. They’re kinda big, huh?" Kyle said.
"Oh, yeah, I just draw hands like that!" Skyler giggled. Like there was a reason the hands were weird.
Trevor nudged Kyle. This was his chance. He had triggered enough event flags to be locked into Skyler’s route. All he had to do was be confident.
Kyle looked down at his shoes. "Hey, uhh... Skyler, I uh..." Oh god, he was screwing this up so bad. Trevor was gonna make fun of him; he’d never be able to live this down!
"Skyler, will you be the Dan to my Phil?" Kyle blurted. He truly had no idea who Dan and Phil were, but he thought the line would be perfect.
Skyler just giggled. "Sorry, I’m lesbian!"
"Yeah, doesn’t that mean you’re not gay or something?"
"No you silly, that means I like girls!" Skyler grinned.
"Woah, so do I. We should get together."
Skyler laughed again "Kyle," Kyle could feel his heart skip a beat when she said his name "I’m not interested in men in that way; you’re a pure cinnamon roll, but I don’t date men!"
"Oh, yeah... I knew that. Uhh, I mean, I like..." Kyle trailed off.
The bell rang. Embarrassing.
"Dude, I don’t think lesbian means what we think it means." Trevor said to Kyle.
"Y...yeah man."
"Hey, are you okay bro?"
"I... I think we should... we should go to your car." Kyle sniffed.
"Yeah, let’s go dude."
The boys headed out to Trevor’s car, where Kyle immediately collapsed in the passenger seat and began sobbing.
"T...Trevor?"
"Yeah dude?"
"Can you... can you..." Kyle let out another sob. "Can you play Pinkerton?"
"Yeah dude." Trevor found his beloved CD of Weezer’s Pinkerton that he illegally downloaded and put it into the CD player.
"OH FUCK SHE WAS SO HOT DUDE!! I THOUGHT SHE WAS INTO ME, WE COULDA BEEN GREAT TOGETHER!! FUCK!!"
"It’s alright man... it’s alright. Bro, when we get back to your place we can... um... well, we’ll just take it easy for a bit. I... we’ll stop by the gas station on the way back and get some Monster."
"T...Thanks dude..." Kyle sobbed.
Weezer’s "Tired of Sex" was playing through Trevor’s blown-out speakers; the audio quality was truly terrible, but the boys didn’t seem to mind. Kyle’s sobbing covered up the flaws in the audio. The sky was clear, and the temperature was a beautiful 77 degrees; cicadas were crying and so was Kyle.