i have forgotten how to be angry and edgy and assertive et al. which is not good. i need to assert myself. the issue is that i am so focused on being polite and nice and passive that i no longer know how to be not those things. this is an issue because in my real irl life, i need to assert myself and be a little aggressive at times so that i am not trampled over because there are some bitch ass motherfuckers who trample on me. i gotta get angry, man. the reasoning for this sudden shift in temperament is because last year i had pieces in a fashion show at university and i was partnered with someone who was not a seamstress. the idea was that we would combine fashion and technology, with my class being the fashion side and another class being the technology side and we would work with a partner. my partner did not do shit, i told him "hey why dont you figure out the circuitry we need to do since thats what you do" and he said "hmmmm yeah yeah" and did not help me at all. multiple times i asked him "hey can you figure out the technology part" and he did not do shit. during the times we were working together he was spending all his time on fucking discord and snapchat. so our project was scuffed to hell because this bitch ass motherfucker never did his part. we agreed to work on the project over winter break, i brought my part home and fucking finished it and he apparently forgot to bring his part home. anyway what i should have done is shoved my boot so far up his ass he'd still be tasting leather a year later. i should have gotten angry, i should have told him off, but instead i decided to stay polite and nice and not raise a fuss because i am scared of doing that. and if you are thinking "wow pathetic you're still mad about this a year later", well first of all kill yourself and second of all i would not still be mad about this a year later if i allowed myself to express my anger back then. of course i raised a little fuss to my friends and professor, but i should have actually done something about it. also i still have to see this bitch ass motherfucker all the time because we are both in the same very small department.
anyway, that is the most concrete example i have of this. other examples are much smaller, such as constantly being interrupted and talked over, not being taken seriously, being subtly put down, being ignored et al. or other examples are from childhood and are admittedly a little fuzzy. im always told "you say sorry too much" and i say "yeah i know" even though i should be saying "yeah i know you dont need to tell me twice". i gotta have some bite to me. i have no bite. since you are a little babby you are told "be polite and nice and dont make a fuss" and then you wake up one day and you're the weird one for being polite and nice and unfussy and no one told you about the change so everyone thinks you're a pushover. it's death by 1000 papercuts in a way. i gotta assert myself. i gotta. or i'll disappear.
and of course even on here i am hesitant to fully speak my mind, i am in a panopticon i am always being viewed. i am scared of speaking my mind because i am scared of people thinking less of me for having the ability to bite; im scared i'll get in trouble for being anything other than the most passive and harmless person. i gotta have some bite. im always so scared that somehow, anything i will say will be heard by my ma, dada, beloved, beloved's family, friends, classmates, professors, and they will think less of me. and of course for the most part they will not think less of me, but i need to be nice and polite and passive and tranquilized because oh god what if???? but now there's another issue, no one thinks of me as someone who is strong and can assert myself and so they treat me with fragility and so i dont get chances to assert myself and i stagnate.
i know i need to stop saying sorry so much. i know. i know. i know. oh my fucking god i know. just once i'd like someone to say "thank you for being so restrained and repressed and tranquilized and passive, you are so good at it but you dont have to repress yourself anymore okay. you've passed the test, you've proven that you can be nice and polite and restrained, so now you get permission to be angry and make a fuss when need be." I am going to try to be less restrained and repressed all the time, i am going to try and speak my mind and let people know when they have bothered me. i gotta stand up for myself.
i cant lie to myself and act like being this tranquilized is good for me, because its not, and at the very least im aware that its gotta change or else all that repression will finally boil over and i will go apeshit. and i truly dont want to go apeshit. of course it would feel catharthic but it would cause more problems than solve. so i gotta let out steam in little ways. you know how in touhou 15.5 reisen's dream self was going apeshit because she was sick of being timid and polite all the time, its like that. its just like that. in my dreams i am assertive and respected and not trampled over and its nice. i try so hard to always be polite and restrained but i can only take it for so long. so maybe i will start by writing on here more when people piss me off, instead of just letting it stew in my head because im scared somehow that person will find my website and be offended that i am capable of being angry at others' actions. i will do my best.
anyway that guy from before i fucking hate and just seeing him ruins my day, i hope he feels guilt for how much he fucked me over, i hope his professors chew him out in front of everyone, i hope he never gets contacted for any internships or jobs. and in our department's discord he's always acting like he's some hotshot who runs shit oh my god he's so fucking annoying. part of me hopes he speaks to me again and says some dumb shit so i have an excuse to get angry for once in my life, but part of me hopes he gets caught in a scandal and everyone loses all respect for him (lol not like he has much in the first place) and drops out. or maybe both.