oh god what is this page uhhh idk just where i fling out verbal assault at your ocular devices. the basement of the website, where the cursed texts are located. everything i say on here is strait from my head.

so jus twere i rwight random things



i wish that i could turn back time, cuz now the guilt is all mine, cant live w/o the trust from those you love

it ALLL returns to nothin it just tumbling tumbling tumbling downnnnnn.

i am going to drop out of school bc i dont feel like goin no more. what will i do after that idk, i'll cross that brigde when i come 2 it. i'm here for a good time not a long time

i am droppin out bc 1) i cant wear hats in school which rlly pisses me off. its a kuso rule of our culture and i hate it. i cant wear my friggin suwako hat to school and that pisses me off

#2. so they (when i say 'they" i mean like the ppl in charge of the school) give us like only 3 choices when we gotta answer "what r u gonna do after hs" and the choices r always college, trade school, or military. i dont wanna do nun of that. im gonna make up my own 4th choice just 2 spite them. idk what its gonna be, but i'll figure that out later. like i said, i'm here for a good time, not a long time.

  • so to expand on #2, i dont want 2 go 2 college bc i dont want to be swimming in debt i can nevr pay off 4 the rest of my life. i dont want 2 go 2 trade school or military bc they just dont rlly interrest me, and thats cool w me
  • #3. so uh yea idk when im ever gonna need 2 know how to solve quadriatics or unit circle stuff. like gosh that stuffs interesting and yea i like that stuff but god when am i gonna use it/?????

    so basically im goin thru my "edgy rebellious teen doesn't want to fit in the "cookie cutter" life" phase rn, but man i dont care. the whole system is a sham. im not goin 2 college, i dont feel like it! i'll do whatevr i want, this is my life!! im gonna drop out just to spite ppl tellin me what to do. I'll do whatever i please! if that includes running 4 president with a budget of like 40 dollars, so be it!!!

    i mean theyre always tellin you "aw you can b whatevr you wanna be" but they just mean "be whatevr JOB you wanna be". man screw that, i'll take it literally and be whatever i want!

    if i wanna drop out and become a hermit livin in the backwoods of the upper peninsula livin off rainwater, then thats what im gonna be

    the only thing keeping me sane is playing "pauls boutique" a million times per day. god that album is absolute gold.

    "torches" is rlly good too.

    i went to snowcoming on 2/16/19 and i had a good time. the music was godawful, but i went 2 dinner w my date b4 and had a time.

    oh my GOD pauls boutique is absolutely amazing

    my brother mains as meiling in soku and idk if he mains them but he plays as marisa (master) and the yorigamis (slave) in aocf

    we got a usb keyboard so my brother and i can play aocf 2gethr now. bc netplay dont work on the same ip, but using vs player and changin the controls, it works. i had to switch to wasd to move and jkl for attacks, though. but whatevr

    i main sakuya in soku, and reisen (master) and mokou(slave) in aocf. i dont know if reisen and mokou is a good combination, but whatevr

    i like these lyrics

    no one wants to hear you cuz yr rhymes are damn frantic

    home boy, throw in the towel, your girl got DICKED by ricky powell

    step to the rhythm step step to the rhyme, i got an open mind so why dont you all get inside

    shes got a gold tooth, you know shes hardcore. she'll show you a good time then she'll show you the door

    also i rlly like "year and a day" from "b boy bouillabaisse". i dont know how to pronounce "bouillabaise"

    i read "columbine" by dave cullen earlier this (school) year, and it mentioned the unabomber and i didnt know who that was so i read about him and i forgot who he was the sec i got off the wikipedia article and i still dont know who he is




    my head hurts

    kinda weird how i wanna drop out bc i rembr back in like elementary school i was all like "im gonna go 2 harvard and bcome a scientist and win all the nobel prizes!!!" and i was super focused on school, yknow? like i was always worryin about grades n stuff like that. then i guess i realized it was all kuso and just gave up. like i just stopped caring about school bc oh my god i dont care anymore. i just want to do whatever i want to do. i just gave up on school because i just dont care anymore. jesus christ i dont care anymore. oh my god i dont care.

    education reform

    i just dont care anymore. i'm gonna drop out just to spite everyone tryna push me onto this path of "go to college and get a nice cushy job and become a wage slave to some dope and have a family and then retire" like god thats so boring. first of all, even if i were to work, i'd never be able to reitre anyway.

    the ultimate petty move

    like oh my god that might have worked for all these boomers, yknow, and thats cool if it worked for them. but its not workin 4 me. like man im glad they coulda gone 2 college and get a job easily n stuff like that. but like thats not gonna happen for me. like first of all i dont want to be a slave to a boss or a slave to some godforsaken company.

    and also i dont want to be a kgilbgillion dollars in debt bc i went to college.

    i really love a lot of ppl in my life. its important to let the people you love know that you love them. like just go up 2 whoever you love and just say somthin like "man i rlly love and appreciate you and im glad yr in my life"

    i did that 2day and tbh i rlly dont know why i did. well i did bc i love my homies. but like all of a sudden i was all like "i love and apreciate you" to mi amigos. i was totally whack 2day.

    unfortunately i couldnt say that to all the ppl i love 2day, bc i dont have any classes w. them, or they werent at school today, but i'll let them know 2morrow

    i cant believe we cant wear hats in school.

    what do i do now

    right i forgot i was gonna play StB

    i rlly like the album "starry cat" by starry cat. i cant make out what theyre sayin but i like the music

    theres an EP "home - slow" and its rlly good and i havent listened to it in a while so im gonna do that


    ew i dont want to do work

    i think im losin my mind this time, this time im losin my mind, said i think im losin my mind this time, this time im losin my mind

    so you know what sux?? i actualyl have to do work!!!!


    so whatcha want???????????????

    i speak fluent guitar

    but i dont play guitar.

    like i open my mouth and guitar noises come out

    so uh yesterday uh i was at the court of honor for my brother and uh i was talking w one of the adult leaders and uh it turns out they were in orchestra and they asked me why we tune to "a" and i said bc of the nazis bc i read that somewhere and im lookin at it now and it turns out thats a conspiracy. but when i said nazis they all laughed and i laughed too bc i know it sounded silly

    a clown goes honk honk, glowns go gonk gonk

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm can i just take it easy and drop out????????/

    gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk

    awight so uhhhh greeks pronounce the letter "j" as a "y", so they prounounce junior as yunior, right?? i think. anywhay, so uhhhhh the trojan war, right? we say trojan with english "j", "j" as in juliett. and the city is called troy, like tray with an "o", right? so ppl from troy are called trojans, right?? and if what wikipedia says is true, then trojans spoke greek. so bc ppl from troy pronounced "j" as "y", wouldnt it be more right to say trojans as "troyans"???

    i also like "live at pj's"

    rlly tired rn

    dont wanna translate my site rn. i was gonna, but i rlly dont feel like it

    lmao whos michael cohen?? michael like mikhali??? like mikhali gorbachev tear down this wall?? dude thats wild. if you rearrange the letters in gorbachev you get cohegrbav, wchich is pretty close to cohen.



    double spoiler is HARD w hatatatatatatattatatatatatatatatatatattatatatatatatatatatattatatatate bc her zoom SUXXXXXXXX

    also i'll be takin mighty fine pics, but then it gives me a GRAY CAMERA MARK, sayin "oh these pictures suck i should take em again" like shut up those weere fine!!!!!

    poetry in motion, cocout lotion, had to diss the girl bc she got 2 emotional. are you experienced little girl?? i wanna know what goes on in yr little girl world. cuz im on yr mind, its often you get me. i'll take yr pride 4 a ride if you let me.


    oh god when did trig get so hard?????????? it was so fun when it was just sohcahtoa, what the echks up with sine waves?????????????

    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh law of sines????????? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    tan waves???????? how the hec do those work???? can i call those waves????

    oh god whats happeneingn?

    so uh doogle for goodle is goin on. "what do you hope 4 the future"??????? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk man i just want to chill and be comfy. no wait its actually "when i grow up i hoep" yea same thing whatevr


    i had a dream where yatsuhashi tsukumo died and i kept saying "i cant believe yatsuhashi is dead. she was very pretty"


    oh god its already 5:00

    you gotta fight

    for your right

    hey do you wanna drink a cocktail????? bc i sure do

    okay so theres this drink i made up called a "milk carlton"

    you make it by mixing milk and water together, then adding unripe strawberries w/ the leaves. like you cut up the strawberries but not unleaf them.

    ive never had it

    no its not a spelling mistake its called the milk carlton not the milk carton

    mmmmmmmmmm im super tired




    caps lock is cruise control for cool btw ;))))))))))

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh my godddddd

    frikkin love fried rice

    whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat do i do now?????????????????

    oh my GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD im SPITEFUL and ANGRY and im gonna start a revolution. just you wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ADNGRYYYYYY

    ahhhhh i ate too much friedd rice am feel sick


    so umm when i was in texas i had this dream. so i was in russia telling a russian guy how to fix his countrys infrastructure bc his building kept collapsing and it was kinda funny bc as i was telling him things, like 2 buildings fell down and he got really mad. but anyway i left him later bc he was being rude, so i was walking aroun this field and there were these shrines for deceased ppl scattered around the field. so i went up 2 one and there was a small picture of some lady, idk who it was. but i said to myself "i shouldnt screw around here" so i started walking back to a parking lot to go home. as i was walking, i turned around and i saw a blind homeless man. for some reason he was tryna find me but i said "he cant find me he's blind" so anyway i kept walking and i walked past a shrine and peeked in and the homeless man was there, then he tried to attack me and he kept finding me and i was like "what the heck" so i attacked him back and i scratched up his face, but he never really attacked me he just kinda slightly hit my face, so i totally overreacted. but anyway i kept scratching and i saw his face close up and it kinda looked like that one "i am god" image from x. then there was a message that said "sometimes what you do in retaliation is more hurtful than what people do to you beforehand" or something like that. then i woke up thinking "oh my god i think i'm going to die soon".

    it was a rlly freaky dream.


    haaaaaaa you knwo hat time it is??? alsmot time 4 school 2 be done!! golly the year went by fast, prolly bc i got a kgnibllion snow days in 2nd semester. its gonna be niiiiiiiice to take another break and become a NEET over the summer!!!!!

    im becoming the personification of the wham rap. is that a good thing?? hmmmmm.........

    gonna buy a record player!! so frikkin exicsted!!!! my parents are gonna hear pauls boutique blaring at 3 am every day, so they better prepare for that!!

    i've been doin tons of housework for a while to get enough money to buy one, and a few records, cuz i don't got a job!!!! I may not have a job, but i have a good time!! i take pleasure in leisure, i believe in joy!!!

    alright i gotta tell you guize a story. its kinda gruesome/gory so just a warning 4 those of you sensitive about that sorta stuff.

    so last month, i was in a production of les mis, right? if you gots to know, i was in the chorus. but anyway, after the final performance, we were striking the set, right? there were 3 performances that day, so we were all rlly tired. anyway, there was this guy cutting sum pvc pipe w/ an electronic saw (is that what it is? i dont know) but anyway the edges of the pipe were kinda jagged, pointy, sharp, ya know? so i took the pipe to go, idk dispose of it, i suppose. as i was walkin away, i was throwing it up into the air and catching it. but i forgot the edges were sharp, so i tried to catch it once and the edge cut my finger DEEP. it rlly hurt and there was blood spilling out everywhere and it was cut so deep!! so i immediately got overdramatic. my friend saw me and was like "dood we gotta get you a bandaid" or sumthin like that. i was overreacting cuz i was super tired, saying stuff like "oh god i'm just like eponine theres blood everywhere" anyway the guy w/ the buzz saw gave me a bandaid as i was walking past him, idk how he knew but i guess he just did. then my other fren said i neeedd 2 wash it so i took the bandaid off (mistake), and washed it in the dressing room sink. then i realized i had no bandaid so i went the rest of the night w/ a paper towel wrapped around my finger. i told my ma about this whole thing, like a week after it happened, and i told her "i think its gonna scar" and my ma said "if you get an cut you think is gonna scar, you gotta let me know about it when it happens", which is something i did not do.

    okay so if you skipped the last paragraph you can keep reading here bc theres no more gory stuff.

    anyway, after the thing above happened, the cast was gonna go to an ihop and, idk just hang around i guess. so anyway i asked my ma and i know she wanted to say no, bc it was late, and it was far from where we lived, and she was worried abut me getting a ride home, but i convinced her to say yes. so anyway i asked my friends if they could give me a ride home and they said "yea sure" so anyway we went to ihop, and ~15 minutes later their ma comes around and says theyre goin home in like 30 minutes 4 whatevr reason, so i asked "you're givin me a ride home right?" and she said yea where do you live and so i told her. then she says oh we live like 3 minutes away from here, and you live super far away, so i dont think we can. and i said "okay thats alright". so anyway i dont havea ride home and i just start laughin so hard, man. because i made so many dumb choices that day, it was just so frikin funny. my frinds are just kinda like "dude are you okay" and im like "yea its just so funny". so anyway i text my dad to see if he can pick me up, and he's very kind so he said sure, and so my dad pickd me up at 12:30 am from ihop. it was very nice of him to do that, i was very thankful. also he told me that in the parking lot for the bank next to the ihop, there were 2 ppl making out in their car, so that happend also.

    alright thats enough stries for today, i'm ptryy tired and also i cant think of anymore

    got arrested at a mardi gras for jumpin on the boat, my man mca's got a beard like a billy goat!!!

    you heard my style, i think you missed the point.... its the joint!!

    so for a while there was a horrible stretch of time where there wasnt pauls boutique in full on youtube, the guy who made a playlist had his channel removed. but some1 uploaded the full album!! here is is!

    i think im driving my ma crazy w/ my "drop out, dont go to college, dont work, here for a good time; not a long time" rhetoric.

    high plains drifter, but im never in a hurry!!


    oh GOD im so frikkin stressed!!!!!!!!!!!! im so frikkin PARANOID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    these are trying times rn..... smh

    all i really want is for someone to offer me a nice egg in this trying time

    im thinkin of makin a list of albums i like. chart?? are those charts?? do i chart those things??? idk man, but i gotta keep track of them

    so frikkin paranoid, man



    sometimes you gotta be the one to offer yourself a nice egg in those trying times

    AUEHCH i dont even know what to think


    so a while ago i had a dream where i was on a small pirate ship wit h some friends. anyway we were just dinkin around on the ship and all of a sudden we found boo radley and we're all like "dude!! its boo radley!!" and so i went up to him and i wanted to say the famous line (hey boo) and i was just enough awake to tell my dream self "alright you gotta say the line" but i screwed it up and i said "hey radley" instead.

    my bangs are gettin way too long i gotta cut them soon.


    so a few weeks ago i was in a production of footloose, right? if you got to know i was in the chorus. but anyway, we were doin our dress rehersal, and "almost paradise" was goin on right then. if ya dont know thats the sceen where the two leads kiss, right? so anyway i was hangin out downstairs (cuz our green room is under the stage), and most ppl were upstairs backstage gettin ready for the next scene, which we were all in. so anyway b4 i go up, i go in2 another large room downstairs to get som water, right? (cuz that big room is where we put all of our stuff n hang around n do whatevre) so anyway i walk into the room, see two ppl makin out, then turn 360 degrees and walk out.

    i mean holy christ they were just in the middle of the room, they didnt even try to hide themselves. and of course it was during almost paradise.


    dos monos - dos city

    idk what theyr sayin, but it soudns cool.



    okay so i got a story but its got some body horror in it, so if yr sensitive about that just a heads up, ya know?

    so anyway on wednesday (7/31/19) i was at my friends house and she was showin me some cool disco light thing she got for her birthday. also it had bluetooth so we were playin music and starin at the lights, right? so anyway i say to her "yo you should play footloose so i can do my sick lil dance, yea?" and she says yea sure so she plays footloose, and at the very beginning of the chorus, i start doin my sick lil dance, but i loose my footing (haha funny) and anyway i land on my ankle. so theres this huge POP or CRUNCH or whatever, and i fall on the ground, writhing in pain (as batman changes back into bruce wayne). but yea i start wailing in agony, but also laughing bc its rlly funny. and my friend is laughing cuz its rly funny, but then she gets me an ice pack and it hurts less. the ironic part though is that i became too footloose and now my foot is loose from its socket. but yea maybe i broke my ankle, but whatever bc i kept walking on it and then we got our other friend and biked down to the river and dinked around there.

    okay so if you skipped that part you can keep reading now

    it doesnt hurt that much anymore, i just gotta b careful.


    been awhile since i've crakced open this cold one, but w/o the boys bc none of my irl boys have websites

    it's 1am rn, feelin pretty comfy

    and when i say cracked open this cold one, i mean REALLY cracked it open

    you guys played wily beast and weakest creature yet??? wait this is touhou page material.

    a few weeks ago i went to a record show w/ my dad, and i found a copy of pet sounds. so we buy it, bring it home, put it on the turntable, and guess what??? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it comes w/o sloop john b!!!!! SMH i have such bad luck w/ records

    school is starting soon, that suxx. i got orientation on uhhh thurdsay? yea thursday. god i hate how the shifted the shcool year to start earlier, cuz now its frikkin HOT in the building. i just hope this year we'll get a bunch of snow days

    sort of. i mean yea that week off was totally ill, but it got me totally seething about climate change and how ppl are gonna ignore it bc "it was rlly cold, wtf are you talkin about dork" god that pisses me off to no end. anyway, i just wish i could have a week off from snowdays w/o the climate change

    aaaa i cant wait till it starts snowing again, i love winter. maximum comfy season. i just hope that since i can drive now, i wont develop a burning hatred for winter, just like every other adult in my life.

    like man, if you say "boy i love snow", every adult in a 5 mile radius will run (bc they cant drive in snow) up to you and start talkin about how "OMGOMGOMG winter is LITERALLY the worst season bc driving in snow suxxx and you gotta shovel and its cold and i have to do christmas things and i have to watch the kids on snow days and i have to and i have to and i have to...."

    like GOD just learn to have some fun you wet blankets. every winter, without fail, that scenario unfolds, and i die a little more inside

    anyway how'd we get talkin about winter?? its still august, i still got my summer playlist up, im still playing city pop late at night doing the most summery things.

    so heres a summery thing. i went to the beach a few weeks ago w/ my ma and my amigo. we brought an inflatable w/ us, but we discovered it had a hole, so we just kinda let it sit at our spot while my amigo and i went around and did whatevr. anyway, we come back and my ma says she let some kids borrow our floatie, and i look over in the water and theres a family playin w/ our floatie and just... it made me real happy, ya know? they were just havin a good time, we were havin a good time, we were all happy. sharing stuff makes you feel happy, ya know? its a nice memory, gotta write it here so i wont forget

    aw whatever, im gonna talk about winter somemore. last year, in february, i went on a trip to chicago and also iowa. it was for something out of school, but i had 2 of my amigos w/ me. anyway i remember riding the charter bus, playin "love trip" by takako mamiya, watchin episodes of initial D, man it was comfy. iowa is max flyover, but it can be pretty comfy.

    i rlly remmebr the snow and how cold it was, but whatevr. also in iowa we stayed in volunteers houses, and i rembr the house we stayed in had the most comfy mattress ever. it was so sawft and cushy, i wish i could find another mattress like that.

    in chicago, we saw ragtime on stage, and boy did i love it. well not really chicago, some small city just outside of chicago, but close enouff.

    one of my friends and i kept driving my other friend crazy by constantly saying the "number 15, burger king foot lettuce"... uhh... monologue? oh right i also played "torches" by foster the people a lot on the way to iowa

    speaking of chicago, every year or so my ma and i take a trip to chicago for a yarn and fiber show, and so i remember one year, after we took down our booth and checked out our hotel, we went to a nearby ikea. my ma got sorta lost on the way, so we arrived 10 minuted before it closed. so we did a blitzkreig through the store, gettin what we needed , but anyway after we checked out i saw the ikea candy and asked my ma if we could get a bag for the trip home and she said yea bc ikea candy is the best candy. but i vividly remember standing in the parking lot at night, eatin some of the licorice, lookn up at the night clouds while my ma loaded the trunk, seein the parking lot lights, yea?

    cant rlly describe it w/ words, but whaterv

    some more chicago memories. one time when i was w/ my ma, we went to chinatown bc duh, and we had dinner at a resturant there, i cant remember what its called rn, but bro it was so frickin good. so anyway ff a year or so and i go to chicago again w/ a small group of kids from a youth group. so we go to this resturant and we all order somthin to share, right? so someone orders bok choy andddddddddd i ate so much frickin bok choy i felt rlly sick and there was a wedding party or somethin goin on. hey now that i think about it this story takes place around thanksgiving, so basically winter

    i should rlly go 2 bed, its 2am rn. i told some nice stories, but i rlly gotta sleep now.

    wait was keiki the bad guy or were we the bad guy???? bcuz sum ppl are sayin keiki's bad cuz she got powercrazy, but idkk

    okay so its 12pm rn, i went to bed and slept.

    but anyway, one thing i love about pokemon is the npc dialogue. like sometimes theyll just say the most random stuff and its pretty funny. like in x&y in uhh that fancy hotel in lumiose city, theres a boy on one of the floors (i forgot which one) but you talk to him and hes just like "omg this floor is so smooth i just wanna SLIDE" or somthin like that.

    i also love how the most random ppl will say some random philosophical stuff. there was one of those ladies in the tunnels between routes and cities, and she said some stuff about how "tomorrow is the only thing that comes without you doing anything" or somthin like that.

    idk i just think the stuff the npcs say is totally wild.

    my fav pokemon game is black&white, im coutning them as the same game bc they basically are. but anyway i have white and it was my first pokemon game and i chose tepig. i got abucnh of legendaries bc of that wifi glitch that lets you get any event pokemon, and also ive just been playin forever, ya know? i got my frst shiny in white, it was a shiny solrock, i still have him. then i got a shiny lunatone somehow, i dont remember. maybe my friend have to it me or i found it (unlikely) but whatever. also when i just started the game, i was bored and went on the mystery gift and got a lv50 victini. i hadnt gotten the badge that lets you control lv50 pokemon yet, so i had a rlly hrd time w/ that. but anyway p sure it was my first pokemon to reach lv100. i also just love the whole aesthetic it has. love everything about it. also i got lv100 hydregion from my brother, i dont remember what i traded for it, prolly somthin good. but i got lots of cool pokemon in there. i reset it a while back but i traded all my good/rare/pokemon i wanted to keep, and had my friend hold onto them for abit, then we traded back.

    also i like x&y. i used to not like it but ive been playing it alot recently and its pretty fun. im trying to complete my pokedex in that game which is pretty much impossible but ill try to get as much as i can. i rlly like playing online w/ the pss





    i spent so much time analyzing the subtext and overarching themes of Victor Hugo's 1831 classic "The Hunchback of Notre-Dame" that I never spent the time to analyze the subtext and overarching themes of my own heart

    i will never have the breath support of jeff magnum and that fact makes life a bit more painful











    the endless cycleeeeeeee oh god eveyrday is the same!!!!!!!

    nothing happens!!!!!!!

    actully thats not true. here's a story and btw it is sexual so just a warning if yr sensitive 2 that

    anyway on thursday (9/5/19) i was sitting in 2nd hour chemistry, right? and in sitting in the back corner of the class, and my seat is facing the wall, and is also facing the other row of seats who face the board, so im perpendicular to them. anyway i look over one sec and ya know what i see???? some doofus kid is totally jackin off in the middle of class!! smh. but anyway he was tryna hide it bc there wasnt any1 sitting next 2 him, but jesus christ!!!!! and it was a popular kid, too, which makes it even more surreal. it was totally NASTY!!!

    i keep complaining about everyday being the same and then god says "omg fine if you want somthin interesting so bad, here ya go!" and theres a kid beating his meat in 2nd hour. a monkey's paw.

    perhaps there is a lesson to be learnt, dont keep buggin about things 2 happen, bc then stupid things happen. but if there is a lesson im not gonna take it 2 heart and ignore it bc i am the fool

    so anyway you can keep reading now if you skipped the last part. but ye besides that, everyday is the same




    i wish i could save her in some sorta time machine

    know all yr enemies, know who yr enemies AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    everything is boring now, i dont want everything to be boring

    i dont want to work EVER!!!!

    OH MY GOOOOOOOOD i just want to take a break man but i cant!! like when i finish this year i dont have to take anymore math classes bc sometimes i can be smart, and i brought this up w/ my teacher and i asked her "so yea i dont have to take anymore math right?" and she said "well you gotta take 1 in yr senior year but yea you dont gotta take 1 next year" and i said coolio but then she said ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE A GAP YEAR OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD

    its just constant work jussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

    but after i graduate, its all goodd from here!!!!!! i can just dip outta the country!!!! right????/ wishful thinking!!!

    whats likely gonna happen is im gonne do the same thing every1 else does!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! go to a college then get a job then get a house then work more AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA the cycle!!!!! i wanna break the cycle but im scared im gonna be too scared and not do it!!!!!!!!! AND i'll have spent all my time now complaining about everyday being the same and then im gonna grow up and everyday is gonna be even more of the same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! never gonna catch a break, am i??????????? just one loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong rest would be so nice!!!!!!

    aaaaaaa i rembr when i was young teachers would say "omg yr gonna be a million things when yr older like a surgeon like a chemist like a doctor" ya know all those sorta jobs and i used to looooove those things like yea man i really wanted to b those things but then AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa what do i do now!!!!! if i became one of those things then guess what thats MORE WORK oh my GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

    more work to go throu college then more work to WORK and...... smhhhhh they years start coming and they dont stop coming but instead of years its work

    most likely im gonna go 2 college bc im toooooo scared 2 do what i rlly want, then im gonna so much in debt that ill nevr be able to do anything i want, then im gonna be stuck working 4 the rest of my life 2 pay off some DEBTTTTTTTTTTTTT and its just a constant cycle everyday is the same and everyday will stay the same unless i do something!!!!!!!!!!!

    i justttttttttttt want a looooooooooooong break from everyythigbbbggggggnndfkgkdjnfgdlkdiughdohfgoiduhfoigbd

    wahhhhhht do i even call this feeling is it burnout???? idk man but i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    omgggggggggggggggggg who thought this whole system was a good idea in the first place?/???????????????????????????? its allll the saaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeeeeee and AAAAAAAAAAAAA its just the same everyday nothing ever happenssssssssssssssssss

    i am going forward but not of my own volition its bc i cant freeze time and just.......... relax for a bit

    the days truly start coming and they dont stop coming, they are relentless




    legend of hourai is such a BUEATIFUL song oh god dolls in pserudo pardise is the most beautiful album i hhhave ever heard. thers no words but its just got this FEEEEEEL to it

    haha this is the 666th line of code


    uh oh the decade is almost over!!! GOD its about time!!!!!! didn't like this decade really, it wasnt that phun. the aesthetic was bland, minimalist, flat, hated it.


    wait thats a lie there was ONE (1) good thing about this decade, which was 7-1 with brazil and germany. im not into sports but i like watching thwe world cup and i remember bein in chicago w/ my friend and we were watching the world cup and i remember 7-1. that was pretty cool


    "WOAOH what did yuoooo get for chrtmas clam hanson??????"

    a broken heart ;_; sorta kinda


    when did trig get so easy LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO god i sounded like such a GEED back in 3/4/19!!!! god law of sines and cosines???? PISS EASY when ya know what to do, i might add a lil bit on the knowledge page about those laws but i dont rlly got any sick tricks for them. ah ill figure somthin out.

    also im rereading some of the entries on here and OH MY GOD i sounded so fucking emo LMAOOOOOO god all i did was whine and mope "hrngh idk what to do in my life wahhhh" god i sounded like such a loser

    brother i know what i wanna do in my life, its be a total MENACE!!!! a SCOUNDREL!!!!! a CHARLATAN!!!!!

    "waaa i dont want an office job :(((((((" OK THEN YOU DONT GOTTA HAVE AN OFFICE JOB!!!!!! lmaooooo all i did was make up problems for myself to be upset about

    "oooo sometimes yuo need to tell ppl yuo love them" alright ya this one's okay but OOOOO i sounded so PRETENTIOUS saying that!!!!! YEA lots of ppl love their friends and family, dont sound so "oooo im sooo UNIQUE" about it!!!! and oh god the worst part was i tried to not sound pretentious about it i tried to make it sound like all the other dumbass "wholesome" posts like tryna sound real casual about it, ya know? god i sounded like such a fucking geed.

    nothing wrong w/ tellin ppl you love them but dont go on neocities and humblebrag about doing it in such a faux-casual tone.

    god i sounded so fucking lame lmaoooo.

    yea, i'm like, umm totally like, edgy now!

    yea, i like, did a total, like 360 or something?? wait no, i did like, a 180, yea!! thats what it is!! went from melodramatic dipshit to 100% BASTARD!!

    hahah im gonna look back on this section and cringe. WHATEVER!!!!! i dont care about nothin anymore!!! but like, in the cool way.


    "pwetty pwease dont touch your face rn uwu!! you migh spwead da VIWUS!!! UnU"

    im sorry i cant stop picking at my face i literally cant fucking stop i swear to god everytime i walk into the bathroom for a shower, i take my towels off the hanger and then spend 30 minutes staring at the mirror PICKING AT MY FUCKING FACE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa

    then i get outta the shower and spend another 30 minutes staring in the mirror PICKIN AT MY FACE!!!!!!!!

    you wanna know how i got these scarz??? take a guess buddy!!!!!!!!

    also so i got all this phree time off, right? which is totally ill bcuz the whole year i been sayin to my ma "ma can i take the day off tomorrow" and she'll say "why do you need the day off tomorrow?" and i'll say "bcuz i need a break" and then she'll say "but the weekend just ended" and i'll say "i know" but now i got all this time off!! the world finally heard my complaint and said "allright alright if you want time off so bad, here's 4 weeks you dipshit!"

    so anyway i got all this time off, and the head honcho at my school sent out an email to parents sayin "pwease make sure yr childwen are still learning uwu!!" so now my dad's been naggin me to """"""""spend my time learning something"""""""", which is his job, but GOD let me just be angsty for once!! (haha yea as if you're not angsty all the time) so he went up to me yesterday and said smthin like "you shouldnt be wasting this time you have" and i said "awww cmon dad im relaxin" and he'll say "thats not rlly spending yr time wisely"

    AS IF!! I'm using this time as well as i need to!! thinkin that relaxin aint important... smh...

    also my wifis been fucky, BUT ITS FUNNY BCUZ ITS ONLY FOR MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOOOOO everyone else's innernet is A OKAY, but mine disconnects every 5 seconds i soeur to god. so i been spendin this time drawin on ms paint bcuz thats PHUN!!!


    chet baker was right............ it really could happen to you u_u


    GUESS WHAT FELLAS?????? skoolz been #cancelled for the rest of the year, golly cant wait to see the callout post. when i first heard the newz i was like "oh my gawd they really did it, those madmen!!!" and it was pretty gr8.

    but then i realized....

    AAAAAAAAAAA theres this girlie in 2 of my classes and we're buds, right??? and i like her and i know that she likes me bcuz our friend told me!!!! or, at least at one point she liked me idk if she still does but idk i got a feeling. so anyway, she lives far away that i cant see her and we had eachothers numbers at one point but then she got a new fone and IDK if shes still got my number and if shes got the same number. so i wont bee able to see the girlie i like, oh well, c'est la vie, right?????

    NO!!!! because she's moving away over the summer!!!!!!!!!! ksdklfnshvfsfslidfilusdhflsdfisdfjsodifoiweynfwmieufyiudbnfedfieoimwoqiupofvydneiwf

    so anyway im not excited anymore but maybe maybe MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE!!!!!!!! there'll be like, a miracle or something and IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK shofhispdifhsiduhweofwpofjspoidfje

    alsoooooooo, if you know me irl and you read this...... 1) LMAO who am i kidding i dont think noone i know irl knows about this page (at least i hope......) and 2) hahaahha pls dont say anything...................

    also ik she's prolly not reading this but she has seen my website, vry unlikely shes still got the url though, oh well, c'est la vie. IF SHE'S READING IT WHOOPS OH WELL AOSIJDOPASHFPSIDHFPIUSDHFSUIFEIUFHSIDUIUSDHFENIUH hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh god i wish i knew it might've been the last time i saw her ;_;

    anyway lemme tell ya a story. back in december we were reading gatsby as a class, right? well i read the first chapter and thought it was bad and decided i hated it. so i didn't do any of the assigned reading, until we had to read the last chapter so i decided to read the last chapter and i was vry confused LMAOOOOOOOO. but then, oh no oh no oh no.... the test. the test over the book. the book's test. so the day before the test i realized "oh my god oh my god oh my god" so i read the sparknotes on everything. anyway on test day, i think "oh well, what happens happens i suppose. if i fail, aw how bad can it be?" welll GUESS WHAT FELLAS??

    I GOT 100% ON THE TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    god that was the best feelin i ever felt, and so when my friends in the other english started readin gatsby i told em "dont read it, it suckxzz, dont worry about the test bcuz youll do fine bcuz i didnt read it and i got better than fine"

    also speaking of egnlish class i might hafta do shit online for that class (thank gawd just that class though ((i shouldt press my luck....))) so that SUXXXXXXX but IT CANT BE HELPED!!!!! ......unless it can....... hahahah no.

    anyway im vry lucky that it engligsh bcuz that class is phun and not bio bcuz i cant stand bio OMGGGGGGGG


    hello my friends today i am going to teach you another recipe i like to call "mango slop". its very simple and you share it with someone you love

    so first so need at least one (1) mango, you can have more but its more work. then you cut the mango up and becuase mango is hard to cut bcuz its so slippery, you're going to end up with mango slop. you'll know it when you see it. if for some reason your mango cuts are nice and geometrical, then you can just... idk, smash the pieces w/ the knife to make the slop. then, you arrange the mango slop into a heart shape and eat it w/ someone you love (thats why its a heart)



    i dont remmeber what led me to think about this but last night i was thinking of my biggest fears, so hear they are:

    clam hanson's official list of spooky specimens

  • spiders.... obviously takes the number one spot......
  • starting a conversation..... will never be terrifying, fellas...
  • jeff the killer, i used to see him around alot online when i was, like 7-9 years old or smth? and he scared the hell outta me, and it just stuck w/ me....... smh
  • hypnotoad, well its not scary anymore (LMAO i sound stupid) but when i was very young, like 3-5 years old, i would watch futurama w/ my dad bcuz BRIGHT COLORS!! but somtimes hypnotoad would show up and the noise used to SCARE THE SHIT OUTTA ME!!!!

  • anyway fellas i got another story for you. A while back... late february or early march... i was in bio, right? and my bio class is, like, directly underneath the class i have before, so im usually one of the first ppl to arrive. so i arrive early and sit at my table, and just do work from the class before. so everyone else arrives, and the 3 other ppl i sit w/ at my table arrive. so anyway our teacher gets a student to pass back papers from an assignment we did the week before. so when she gets to our table she passes out the other ppl's papers, then asks "who's clam hanson?" and i say "oh thats me" but- and i'll admit this is where i kinda fucked up -i said it pretty quietly (BCUZ IM A FUCKING LOSER WHO'S TOO SCARED TO SAY ANYTHING!!) so noone heard me, smh. BUT THIS GIRLIE WHO SITS AT MY TABLE, WHO ARRIVED AFTER ME, says "oh i don't think she's here yet."

    that fucking hurt, but i didnt say nothin... so a bit later the teacher tells us to get our papers that were passed back, so i gotta go up to her and say "ummm i didnt get my paper......." so she says "oh whoops you probably weren't here yet when we passed them out!" and i get my paper, sit back down and try not to cry for the rest of class.

    but the thing is........... man i got noone to blame but myself bcuz i swear to god, i've spoken like, a max of 20 words in that class the whole semester. and also i said "oh thats meeee hahaha" too quietly. but it still hurt!!!!!!!!!!! and the girl who said "oh i dont think she's here yet" even though i was there the whole time................. ;_;


    THERS SNOW ON THE GROUND I FUCKING HATE LIVING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    also my parents keep buggin me about the fuckin schoolwork i "hafta" do.... GOD i just wanna tell em to get off my dick!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i aint doing nunna the work theyre assigning..... except for french maybe bcuz i like that class. (lmao yea you're all talk you dipshit you've had the fear of not doing schoolwork ingrained into you since you were 7!!!!!!!!!!) YEA but this is the year i CHANGE!!!!!!! lmao new years revolution, right?

    LMAOOOOOOOOO i just reread an entry on here from 9/10 and i was like "AAAa i just want a looong break" or whatever!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOOOOO wish was granted bby ;))))) its like im psychic or somthin!!!!!!


    GOOOOOOOOOOOOD NEWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that girl i was talkin about afew entries back emailed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i woke up and checkd my fone and ther was an email from her and i was like "OH MY GAWD!!!" and read it and burst into treats bcuz OH MY GAWD!!! i wont tell ya what was in it bcuz thats PRYVATE!!!!! but anyway i havent responded yet bcuz idk whatafuk im gonna say but WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!! so im in a real good mood rn. Ya know, as dramatic as i am, things arent so bad sometimes!!!!!!!! things are nice sometimes!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    okay so i emailed her back a while after the 1st entry for today....... and umm i decided to press my luck a lil bit bcuz in her original email she said "ily (no homo)" so when i emailed her back i said "ily too!" but WITHOUT a no homo... and at the end of the email i added some <333 bcuz thats how i am and also, like i said, i was pressing my luck. How will she interpret this??????????? GOD ONLY KNOWS!!!!!!!!!

    also she emailed me back but im too scared to read it.

    okay i just read it and she noticed that i didnt put no homo..... i think things are gonna be alright


    so i got all this work due tomorrow that i havent done, oh well! shikatanai! but its okay bcuz they arent having any of this online work affecting yr grade unless its raising your grade, so im fine bcuz i got good gradez

    if my teachers email me ill tell them "i regret to inform you that my brain turned turned into soup"


    they call me beauty school dropout bcuz im spednign all my time curling my hair insteada doin my work smh

    in these trying times, all we need is a little gangnam style

    just reread all the entries on here. things that make you go hmmmmmm

    hmmmm i wish i could read minds like satori so i could look into a mirror and finally know what the hell im thinking.

    how i imagine it right now is:

    uobseoiufhnwoienfoiwnboivn woinscoiwunoieufiowuneofiuhnwoieu griwncgirwegiwhqmocrwherocqierqheoirmcqheqiowhemroqehrioqenyti vonqehmoivqheoiqeroiqtvhieorhmtoiqveu rhtvoiq hoiehtoivmeqoihtvoiemrowivermhtoviwrmtoivweymrotviwmeriotvuweoir toivwemr vyiotwuryewoit yweoirntvoiwryotvwierymtov0qoetoviqeuryhiotv qeryutvoeroqmtichorituhmqeroictuhqtomhqoiweurhoqieuhyoiermht retvniohrevoituhqeoinfcoifnjkghdivhnxkclvmoiajpojmpoafepfnaepinporegjporneaviauevhoieuhtoi hremtiovhermoiaeorithuaert uh areoit viouahmweoriaheoir haoiehoviharwoevihriowvehriugyewuiryiuhwoimr hvihvoihdofidjphogysdfoigysfdigjerg

    thats whats goin thruough my head right now

    hmmm you know what sucks????? texas isnt its own country. why? because at the very first chance i get i wanna leave this godforsaken country, but i also wanna live in texas. such is the dichotomy of man

    alright im goin to bed now


    when i was 13 i went to chicago and iowa with a extracurricular group or smth. i've talked about it before on here, but anyway we went to see ragtime, and i loved it. but i think theres some irony about the fact that when i listen to the soundtrack, i ignore most of the songs unless its one of the BIG FLASHY numbers like crime of the century or atlantic city, prolly bcuz thers evelyn nesbitt in those songs and i see her and think "god i wish that were me" because of how she's portrayed as some goofy fella in the musical...... but then ya read up on her life and its a real tragedy what ppl did to her......... makes ya think, bcuz even though i looooove ragtime they didnt do evelyn nesbit justice. things that make ya go hmmmmmm.


    fuck it, playing fernando over and over


    when i was a lil kid i saw "lunch atop a skyscraper" or smth, and i asked my ma if all construction workers ate their lunch up in the sky, and she said yes, so i believed her. now that i am older, i realize that is likely an OSHA violation

    other goofy lies she told me: when i saw our potatoes growing eyes, i asked her what they were doing. she told me they were "reaching towards the mothership", so i assumed there was a potato mothership up in the sky, and if i left the potatoes there long enough they would reach through the roof and eventually meet the mothership.

    another one: i asked if everything bagels were really made of everything, she said yes.

    theres a few other goofy lies she told me, but i cant remember them rn.


    okay im not gonna make a new entry for the goofy lies my ma told me, so they're all in one place

    so once i asked if pretzels were made of wood, she said yea.

    damn bitch you wanna listen to fernando again??

    HELL YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    so a few months ago (february, i think), i was invited to a friend's sweet sixteen. most of my friends were arriving late, so when i arrived there were a lot of ppl i didnt know. anyway, i ended up sitting w/ her cousin and her cousin's friend, and i became frens w/ both pretty kwik. so fast forward a bit and they got a karaoke machine, pretty rad. i sing "girls" by the beastie boys w/ my bud, chill for a bit, sing "summer nights" from grease w/ another bud, and chill for a bit more, when the girl's cousin asks me if i wanna sing "lay all your love on me" by ABBA 2gethr, and i say HELL YEA!!!!! so we sing it, and like, do rlly well ya know, and she tells me "you killed it!!"

    im still thinkin about her... wonder what she's doin now........


    sometimes ill think about opium and get really sad.

    so like, when someone says theyre into history theyre ussually a ww2 kid........ or if not ww2, some sorta war kid. im gonna be honest, war history has been done to death. yea its interesting, and theres a lot of things to look into, but you can only discuss war so much till ya get bored. CHINESE HISTORY, ON THE OTHER HAND..... oh booooooooy is that interesting. thers a billion years of chinese history to read about, and its all very interesting. i rlly like turn of the century revolutionary chinese history (lmao call me a hypocrite but I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!) but tbh thers so much of it that i havent learned everythign about it yet

    oh i also like anthropology of ancient ppl, like what their cultures were like n stuff like that, specially celtic stuff. egyptian stuff. idk. non-war history is cool, too

    sometimes ill imagine a world where ronald reagan was never born......... i can dream ;_;

    i feel like i had a lot of stuff to write here last night but my laptop was already put away and i ddint want to turn on my lamp and blind byself for a sec. but now i cant remember what i wanted to say. ther was alot of stuff i wanted to say. thers always a lot of stuff i wanna say but either i dont know how to get the words from my head outta my mouth, or i hesitate to say stuff bcuz NOONE LISTENS!!!!!!!!!!! but as they say in japan, shikataganai!!!!!!!

    GOD when im talking irl im just a fucking mess because ill get nervous and mess up my words, or my mind will be thinkin too fast and my mouth will stumble, or all the words will come out wrong and ill sound like a dipshit........ smhhhhhhhhhh. its like my brain is playin mix and match with my words!!!!!!!!!!


    tw for sexual assault mention

    last night i had a dream wher i was at church w/ my ma and we were at the playground outside snd it was surrounded by a sunflower field. so i was hangin out on the playground and then it turned into an enclosed space with light blue walls and in a corner there was bamboo growing through these shelves and it looked like there was a small human in the shelves. but then there was this boy and his name was felix and i've dreamt about him before but ive never met someone named felix and he kept tryna tell me smth but i kept saying "wait i wanna see whats in the shelves" so i looked and it was a wooden doll of nazrin and i was like "oh my god thats the cutest doll ever" but he was still tryna tell me somethin so i was like "okay whats up" and he told me he was sexually assaulted and then i woke up





    fun fact this page is called president because i was gonna use this page to announce my presidential campaign but i realized that joke wasnt funny so now i just use this page to write gagas bandas gagas bandas gagas bandas

    so today (7/11/20) i went to a brithday party of a good friend (shameful i know, but we were wearing masks n shit) so anyway i was told the location of the party a few weeks ago (it was at a park) so i drive there and i dont see anyone i know so then i call my buddy and her mom picks up and im like "hi where am i supposed to be" and she says "oh everyones in the backyard" and im like "?????????" so she says "oh whoops lmao we changed the location its at our house now sorry". and it hurt because they just forgot to tell me i guess. everyone else was told about the new location but i guess i was just forgotten or something. whatever. as they say in japan, it cant be helped.

    when i was at the party i kept running my mouth like a fucking lunatic about whatever to my buddies. thats all i do irl is just talk about shit ppl dont rlly care about. and then i start stuttering and fucking up my words and things just come out wrong and i wanna cut out my tongue.

    very weird because a few entries above im talking about how no one listens to me and i hesitate to say stuff. but then sometimes when im with by buddies ill just talk about absolute garbage and talk real fast about god knows what and i dont think ppl are really listening but whatever. idk why i do that maybe its because i feel like no one lsitens so i just say whatever in the hopes that maybe theyll care about what im talking about, i dont know. oh fuck like at the party i was talking about zenos paradox and how 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 .... = 1 like why am i talking about this. but i do think my buddy who i was talking about this to was listening, maybe, idk.

    tbh a reason i like this page so much is that i can say shit and its easier to make it make sense. like irl my brains gotta match my mouth and im sayin stuff in real time and i cant go back and change my wording to make myself make more sense, and ill try to do that but then i just end up stuttering and starting my sentences over and hesitating on words and its a mess. but typing i can sorta make some more sense of my words

    sometimes ill think about if i just like, never showed up to an invitation to something anymore, and just never went outside (i mean tbh i kinda already never go outside) but like, would ppl notice??? idk, i feel invisible a lot (LMAO how cliche), like i just blend in with the scenery or whatever. all i do is talk about random shit and i sound like ass doing it. but like i said maybe a reason i say all this garbage is because no one listens, BUT THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE, DOES IT??????????

    because i never talk about shit that interests me, when i have a chance to ill just fucking spew words outta my mouth. thats how it works.

    i very rarely text my friends.......... i prefer talking irl, which is weird because i just wrote a paragraph on why i prefer writing over speaking. i dont know. maybe its just a preference.

    it did feel nice to just write all this out though...........


    sometimes ill get real emotional and wanna write all this stuff on here, then ill just spend a few hours not thinking about whatevers bothering me, and like, its still kinda bothering me (but the kinda is silent), but i'll be less ARHKJGHK WHY AM I LIKE THIS IM GONNA HAKDJHASKJHKJHG.

    and sometimes im like "wow, i cant say everything i want to on here bcuz im scared ppl ik irl will see it" (as if, but im paranoid)

    like i was gonna write all this stuff on here today and be all angsty (thats not the right word... i cant think of it) about all this stuff thats fucking me up riht now but i just sat on it for a few hours and now im not in the mood to vomit words on here



    oh my god im listening to hello nasty for da first time in a million yearz, ASJKHDJHKJAD JHJKKHAJD IM FUCKING VIBRATING I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LVOVE THIS ALBUM


    i may be miserable, but at least i have fumos


    i may be miserable, but at least....... oh god there's no at least. what the fuck is wrong with me im so fucking miserable all the time my buddies came to my house 2day asking if i wanted to hang out and i said no because im tryna go out less because theres like a disease going around or something i dont fucking know so i said no and part of me says "yes good choice theres a disease or whatever" and the other part of me says "you should go out because all you do, disease or no disease, is waste in your room all day and let the brain rot fester" oh god im so fucking tired of everything. why did i say no but saying yes was the right choice or was it oh god why am i like this. holy shit and the times i should say no i say yes because i was too scared to say no because if i say no someone will feel bad and then i'll feel bad for making someone else feel bad but i dont owe them anything but i still feel like i owe them something i dont fucking know why. god i want to just cut out my brain so i cant think of anything from now on i want to stop thinking. but its okay that i said no to hanging out with my friends because i can always text them. actually nevermind i cant because i cant fucking text people i get so nervous and i dont like to but i also like to and i want to talk to people but im too scared to talk to people i dont fucking know why but i want to talk to my friends somehow thats not seeing each other irl because theres a disease going around or something but even if there wasnt a disease or whatever i'd still be too nervous to text my friends because i dont know why. i want to text them and i want to talk to people but its kinda like what i was saying before whenever i talk to people i look so fucking stupid because i mess up my words and sentences come out wrong and i talk about shit no one else cares about but then i remember thats only some of the times and i can talk to my friends and they wont care if i fuck up my words and sound stupid because or talk about things im interested in because i know them and i love them and they love me too but sometimes its just hard to remember that people other than my family love me because i spend so much time alone. i cant tell if i spend so much time alone because i like it or if its because im just so used to feeling like no one wants to hear what i have to say that even if i know my friends want me around and enjoy my company. maybe its a little bit of both. i dont know why i feel like no one wants to hear me speak because i know for the most part it isnt true (and i know maybe theres someone out there who hates me and everything i have to say but thats okay because we all have someone we hate for whatever reason) but theres a part of me thats just saying "oh god why am i telling people about this no one cares" when im talking to my friends, even though i know even if they arent super into what im talking about, they'll still listen because thats what friends do. maybe thats one of the reasons they like talking to me, but i cant read minds so i dont know, although the thought is reassuring. its okay to spend time alone, but i do it too much to the point where i start overthinking about things i do and how people percieve me because of it, and then my brain begins to rot again so i spend more time alone, and the snake eats its own tail, continuing the cycle.

    i may be miserable but at least i have fumos and friends who love and enjoy my presence.

    and now im a little less miserable and also wow its the 1000th line of code on here

    who needs therapy when you have a neocities website?