oh god what is this page uhhh idk just where i fling out verbal assault at your ocular devices. the basement of the website, where the cursed texts are located. everything i say on here is strait from my head.
so jus twere i rwight random things
WAIT!!! where are my 10 million entries about society that say thee same thing over and over?? well this page got too long so i moved all entries from 2019 to here, read them 4 funzies if u want
"WOAOH what did yuoooo get for chrtmas clam hanson??????"
a broken heart ;_; sorta kinda
when did trig get so easy LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO god i sounded like such a GEED back in 3/4/19!!!! god law of sines and cosines???? PISS EASY when ya know what to do, i might add a lil bit on the knowledge page about those laws but i dont rlly got any sick tricks for them. ah ill figure somthin out.
also im rereading some of the entries on here and OH MY GOD i sounded so fucking emo LMAOOOOOO god all i did was whine and mope "hrngh idk what to do in my life wahhhh" god i sounded like such a loser
brother i know what i wanna do in my life, its be a total MENACE!!!! a SCOUNDREL!!!!! a CHARLATAN!!!!!
"waaa i dont want an office job :(((((((" OK THEN YOU DONT GOTTA HAVE AN OFFICE JOB!!!!!! lmaooooo all i did was make up problems for myself to be upset about
"oooo sometimes yuo need to tell ppl yuo love them" alright ya this one's okay but OOOOO i sounded so PRETENTIOUS saying that!!!!! YEA lots of ppl love their friends and family, dont sound so "oooo im sooo UNIQUE" about it!!!! and oh god the worst part was i tried to not sound pretentious about it i tried to make it sound like all the other dumbass "wholesome" posts like tryna sound real casual about it, ya know? god i sounded like such a fucking geed.
nothing wrong w/ tellin ppl you love them but dont go on neocities and humblebrag about doing it in such a faux-casual tone.
god i sounded so fucking lame lmaoooo.
yea, i'm like, umm totally like, edgy now!
yea, i like, did a total, like 360 or something?? wait no, i did like, a 180, yea!! thats what it is!! went from melodramatic dipshit to 100% BASTARD!!
hahah im gonna look back on this section and cringe. WHATEVER!!!!! i dont care about nothin anymore!!! but like, in the cool way.
"pwetty pwease dont touch your face rn uwu!! you migh spwead da VIWUS!!! UnU"
im sorry i cant stop picking at my face i literally cant fucking stop i swear to god everytime i walk into the bathroom for a shower, i take my towels off the hanger and then spend 30 minutes staring at the mirror PICKING AT MY FUCKING FACE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa
then i get outta the shower and spend another 30 minutes staring in the mirror PICKIN AT MY FACE!!!!!!!!
you wanna know how i got these scarz??? take a guess buddy!!!!!!!!
also so i got all this phree time off, right? which is totally ill bcuz the whole year i been sayin to my ma "ma can i take the day off tomorrow" and she'll say "why do you need the day off tomorrow?" and i'll say "bcuz i need a break" and then she'll say "but the weekend just ended" and i'll say "i know" but now i got all this time off!! the world finally heard my complaint and said "allright alright if you want time off so bad, here's 4 weeks you dipshit!"
so anyway i got all this time off, and the head honcho at my school sent out an email to parents sayin "pwease make sure yr childwen are still learning uwu!!" so now my dad's been naggin me to """"""""spend my time learning something"""""""", which is his job, but GOD let me just be angsty for once!! (haha yea as if you're not angsty all the time) so he went up to me yesterday and said smthin like "you shouldnt be wasting this time you have" and i said "awww cmon dad im relaxin" and he'll say "thats not rlly spending yr time wisely"
AS IF!! I'm using this time as well as i need to!! thinkin that relaxin aint important... smh...
also my wifis been fucky, BUT ITS FUNNY BCUZ ITS ONLY FOR MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOOOOO everyone else's innernet is A OKAY, but mine disconnects every 5 seconds i soeur to god. so i been spendin this time drawin on ms paint bcuz thats PHUN!!!
chet baker was right............ it really could happen to you u_u
GUESS WHAT FELLAS?????? skoolz been #cancelled for the rest of the year, golly cant wait to see the callout post. when i first heard the newz i was like "oh my gawd they really did it, those madmen!!!" and it was pretty gr8.
but then i realized....
AAAAAAAAAAA theres this girlie in 2 of my classes and we're buds, right??? and i like her and i know that she likes me bcuz our friend told me!!!! or, at least at one point she liked me idk if she still does but idk i got a feeling. so anyway, she lives far away that i cant see her and we had eachothers numbers at one point but then she got a new fone and IDK if shes still got my number and if shes got the same number. so i wont bee able to see the girlie i like, oh well, c'est la vie, right?????
NO!!!! because she's moving away over the summer!!!!!!!!!! ksdklfnshvfsfslidfilusdhflsdfisdfjsodifoiweynfwmieufyiudbnfedfieoimwoqiupofvydneiwf
so anyway im not excited anymore but maybe maybe MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE!!!!!!!! there'll be like, a miracle or something and IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK shofhispdifhsiduhweofwpofjspoidfje
alsoooooooo, if you know me irl and you read this...... 1) LMAO who am i kidding i dont think noone i know irl knows about this page (at least i hope......) and 2) hahaahha pls dont say anything...................
also ik she's prolly not reading this but she has seen my website, vry unlikely shes still got the url though, oh well, c'est la vie. IF SHE'S READING IT WHOOPS OH WELL AOSIJDOPASHFPSIDHFPIUSDHFSUIFEIUFHSIDUIUSDHFENIUH hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh god i wish i knew it might've been the last time i saw her ;_;
anyway lemme tell ya a story. back in december we were reading gatsby as a class, right? well i read the first chapter and thought it was bad and decided i hated it. so i didn't do any of the assigned reading, until we had to read the last chapter so i decided to read the last chapter and i was vry confused LMAOOOOOOOO. but then, oh no oh no oh no.... the test. the test over the book. the book's test. so the day before the test i realized "oh my god oh my god oh my god" so i read the sparknotes on everything. anyway on test day, i think "oh well, what happens happens i suppose. if i fail, aw how bad can it be?" welll GUESS WHAT FELLAS??
I GOT 100% ON THE TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
god that was the best feelin i ever felt, and so when my friends in the other english started readin gatsby i told em "dont read it, it suckxzz, dont worry about the test bcuz youll do fine bcuz i didnt read it and i got better than fine"
also speaking of egnlish class i might hafta do shit online for that class (thank gawd just that class though ((i shouldt press my luck....))) so that SUXXXXXXX but IT CANT BE HELPED!!!!! ......unless it can....... hahahah no.
anyway im vry lucky that it engligsh bcuz that class is phun and not bio bcuz i cant stand bio OMGGGGGGGG
hello my friends today i am going to teach you another recipe i like to call "mango slop". its very simple and you share it with someone you love
so first so need at least one (1) mango, you can have more but its more work. then you cut the mango up and becuase mango is hard to cut bcuz its so slippery, you're going to end up with mango slop. you'll know it when you see it. if for some reason your mango cuts are nice and geometrical, then you can just... idk, smash the pieces w/ the knife to make the slop. then, you arrange the mango slop into a heart shape and eat it w/ someone you love (thats why its a heart)
i dont remmeber what led me to think about this but last night i was thinking of my biggest fears, so hear they are:
anyway fellas i got another story for you. A while back... late february or early march... i was in bio, right? and my bio class is, like, directly underneath the class i have before, so im usually one of the first ppl to arrive. so i arrive early and sit at my table, and just do work from the class before. so everyone else arrives, and the 3 other ppl i sit w/ at my table arrive. so anyway our teacher gets a student to pass back papers from an assignment we did the week before. so when she gets to our table she passes out the other ppl's papers, then asks "who's clam hanson?" and i say "oh thats me" but- and i'll admit this is where i kinda fucked up -i said it pretty quietly (BCUZ IM A FUCKING LOSER WHO'S TOO SCARED TO SAY ANYTHING!!) so noone heard me, smh. BUT THIS GIRLIE WHO SITS AT MY TABLE, WHO ARRIVED AFTER ME, says "oh i don't think she's here yet."
that fucking hurt, but i didnt say nothin... so a bit later the teacher tells us to get our papers that were passed back, so i gotta go up to her and say "ummm i didnt get my paper......." so she says "oh whoops you probably weren't here yet when we passed them out!" and i get my paper, sit back down and try not to cry for the rest of class.
but the thing is........... man i got noone to blame but myself bcuz i swear to god, i've spoken like, a max of 20 words in that class the whole semester. and also i said "oh thats meeee hahaha" too quietly. but it still hurt!!!!!!!!!!! and the girl who said "oh i dont think she's here yet" even though i was there the whole time................. ;_;
THERS SNOW ON THE GROUND I FUCKING HATE LIVING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
also my parents keep buggin me about the fuckin schoolwork i "hafta" do.... GOD i just wanna tell em to get off my dick!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i aint doing nunna the work theyre assigning..... except for french maybe bcuz i like that class. (lmao yea you're all talk you dipshit you've had the fear of not doing schoolwork ingrained into you since you were 7!!!!!!!!!!) YEA but this is the year i CHANGE!!!!!!! lmao new years revolution, right?
LMAOOOOOOOOO i just reread an entry on here from 9/10 and i was like "AAAa i just want a looong break" or whatever!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOOOOO wish was granted bby ;))))) its like im psychic or somthin!!!!!!
GOOOOOOOOOOOOD NEWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that girl i was talkin about afew entries back emailed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i woke up and checkd my fone and ther was an email from her and i was like "OH MY GAWD!!!" and read it and burst into treats bcuz OH MY GAWD!!! i wont tell ya what was in it bcuz thats PRYVATE!!!!! but anyway i havent responded yet bcuz idk whatafuk im gonna say but WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!! so im in a real good mood rn. Ya know, as dramatic as i am, things arent so bad sometimes!!!!!!!! things are nice sometimes!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay so i emailed her back a while after the 1st entry for today....... and umm i decided to press my luck a lil bit bcuz in her original email she said "ily (no homo)" so when i emailed her back i said "ily too!" but WITHOUT a no homo... and at the end of the email i added some <333 bcuz thats how i am and also, like i said, i was pressing my luck. How will she interpret this??????????? GOD ONLY KNOWS!!!!!!!!!
also she emailed me back but im too scared to read it.
okay i just read it and she noticed that i didnt put no homo..... i think things are gonna be alright
so i got all this work due tomorrow that i havent done, oh well! shikatanai! but its okay bcuz they arent having any of this online work affecting yr grade unless its raising your grade, so im fine bcuz i got good gradez
if my teachers email me ill tell them "i regret to inform you that my brain turned turned into soup"
they call me beauty school dropout bcuz im spednign all my time curling my hair insteada doin my work smh
in these trying times, all we need is a little gangnam style
just reread all the entries on here. things that make you go hmmmmmm
hmmmm i wish i could read minds like satori so i could look into a mirror and finally know what the hell im thinking.
how i imagine it right now is:
uobseoiufhnwoienfoiwnboivn woinscoiwunoieufiowuneofiuhnwoieu griwncgirwegiwhqmocrwherocqierqheoirmcqheqiowhemroqehrioqenyti vonqehmoivqheoiqeroiqtvhieorhmtoiqveu rhtvoiq hoiehtoivmeqoihtvoiemrowivermhtoviwrmtoivweymrotviwmeriotvuweoir toivwemr vyiotwuryewoit yweoirntvoiwryotvwierymtov0qoetoviqeuryhiotv qeryutvoeroqmtichorituhmqeroictuhqtomhqoiweurhoqieuhyoiermht retvniohrevoituhqeoinfcoifnjkghdivhnxkclvmoiajpojmpoafepfnaepinporegjporneaviauevhoieuhtoi hremtiovhermoiaeorithuaert uh areoit viouahmweoriaheoir haoiehoviharwoevihriowvehriugyewuiryiuhwoimr hvihvoihdofidjphogysdfoigysfdigjerg
thats whats goin thruough my head right now
hmmm you know what sucks????? texas isnt its own country. why? because at the very first chance i get i wanna leave this godforsaken country, but i also wanna live in texas. such is the dichotomy of man
alright im goin to bed now
when i was 13 i went to chicago and iowa with a extracurricular group or smth. i've talked about it before on here, but anyway we went to see ragtime, and i loved it. but i think theres some irony about the fact that when i listen to the soundtrack, i ignore most of the songs unless its one of the BIG FLASHY numbers like crime of the century or atlantic city, prolly bcuz thers evelyn nesbitt in those songs and i see her and think "god i wish that were me" because of how she's portrayed as some goofy fella in the musical...... but then ya read up on her life and its a real tragedy what ppl did to her......... makes ya think, bcuz even though i looooove ragtime they didnt do evelyn nesbit justice. things that make ya go hmmmmmm.
fuck it, playing fernando over and over
IF I HAD TO DO THE SAME AGAIN, I WOULD MY FRIEND, FERNANDO
when i was a lil kid i saw "lunch atop a skyscraper" or smth, and i asked my ma if all construction workers ate their lunch up in the sky, and she said yes, so i believed her. now that i am older, i realize that is likely an OSHA violation
other goofy lies she told me: when i saw our potatoes growing eyes, i asked her what they were doing. she told me they were "reaching towards the mothership", so i assumed there was a potato mothership up in the sky, and if i left the potatoes there long enough they would reach through the roof and eventually meet the mothership.
another one: i asked if everything bagels were really made of everything, she said yes.
theres a few other goofy lies she told me, but i cant remember them rn.
okay im not gonna make a new entry for the goofy lies my ma told me, so they're all in one place
so once i asked if pretzels were made of wood, she said yea.
damn you wanna listen to fernando again??
so a few months ago (february, i think), i was invited to a friend's sweet sixteen. most of my friends were arriving late, so when i arrived there were a lot of ppl i didnt know. anyway, i ended up sitting w/ her cousin and her cousin's friend, and i became frens w/ both pretty kwik. so fast forward a bit and they got a karaoke machine, pretty rad. i sing "girls" by the beastie boys w/ my bud, chill for a bit, sing "summer nights" from grease w/ another bud, and chill for a bit more, when the girl's cousin asks me if i wanna sing "lay all your love on me" by ABBA 2gethr, and i say HELL YEA!!!!! so we sing it, and like, do rlly well ya know, and she tells me "you killed it!!"
im still thinkin about her... wonder what she's doin now........
sometimes ill think about opium and get really sad.
so like, when someone says theyre into history theyre ussually a ww2 kid........ or if not ww2, some sorta war kid. im gonna be honest, war history has been done to death. yea its interesting, and theres a lot of things to look into, but you can only discuss war so much till ya get bored. CHINESE HISTORY, ON THE OTHER HAND..... oh booooooooy is that interesting. thers a billion years of chinese history to read about, and its all very interesting. i rlly like turn of the century revolutionary chinese history (lmao call me a hypocrite but I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!) but tbh thers so much of it that i havent learned everythign about it yet
oh i also like anthropology of ancient ppl, like what their cultures were like n stuff like that, specially celtic stuff. egyptian stuff. idk. non-war history is cool, too
sometimes ill imagine a world where ronald reagan was never born......... i can dream ;_;
i feel like i had a lot of stuff to write here last night but my laptop was already put away and i ddint want to turn on my lamp and blind byself for a sec. but now i cant remember what i wanted to say. ther was alot of stuff i wanted to say. thers always a lot of stuff i wanna say but either i dont know how to get the words from my head outta my mouth, or i hesitate to say stuff bcuz NOONE LISTENS!!!!!!!!!!! but as they say in japan, shikataganai!!!!!!!
GOD when im talking irl im just a fucking mess because ill get nervous and mess up my words, or my mind will be thinkin too fast and my mouth will stumble, or all the words will come out wrong and ill sound like a dipshit........ smhhhhhhhhhh. its like my brain is playin mix and match with my words!!!!!!!!!!
tw for sexual assault mention
last night i had a dream wher i was at church w/ my ma and we were at the playground outside snd it was surrounded by a sunflower field. so i was hangin out on the playground and then it turned into an enclosed space with light blue walls and in a corner there was bamboo growing through these shelves and it looked like there was a small human in the shelves. but then there was this boy and his name was felix and i've dreamt about him before but ive never met someone named felix and he kept tryna tell me smth but i kept saying "wait i wanna see whats in the shelves" so i looked and it was a wooden doll of nazrin and i was like "oh my god thats the cutest doll ever" but he was still tryna tell me somethin so i was like "okay whats up" and he told me he was sexually assaulted and then i woke up
GAGAS BANDAS GAGAS BANDAS GAGAS BANDAS GAGAS BANDAS GAGAS BANDAS GAGAS BANDAS GAGAS BANDAS
HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT if i could lobotomize myself i WOULD DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!
everything i do resuts in more brain rot. adajklllllllllllAKJGHKJGHKJAKGJHKAJHKJHGKKAGKjKAKAKGKAHGHAKHGkHAGKKAGJAJGJJJAGkJAKJGAKJAGJAKGKAGJLKGJLKALGJLGAJGJALJGLJALGJLAJLJJJGLAKJGLKDJG
fun fact this page is called president because i was gonna use this page to announce my presidential campaign but i realized that joke wasnt funny so now i just use this page to write gagas bandas gagas bandas gagas bandas
so today (7/11/20) i went to a brithday party of a good friend (shameful i know, but we were wearing masks n shit) so anyway i was told the location of the party a few weeks ago (it was at a park) so i drive there and i dont see anyone i know so then i call my buddy and her mom picks up and im like "hi where am i supposed to be" and she says "oh everyones in the backyard" and im like "?????????" so she says "oh whoops lmao we changed the location its at our house now sorry". and it hurt because they just forgot to tell me i guess. everyone else was told about the new location but i guess i was just forgotten or something. whatever. as they say in japan, it cant be helped.
when i was at the party i kept running my mouth like a fucking lunatic about whatever to my buddies. thats all i do irl is just talk about shit ppl dont rlly care about. and then i start stuttering and fucking up my words and things just come out wrong and i wanna cut out my tongue.
very weird because a few entries above im talking about how no one listens to me and i hesitate to say stuff. but then sometimes when im with by buddies ill just talk about absolute garbage and talk real fast about god knows what and i dont think ppl are really listening but whatever. idk why i do that maybe its because i feel like no one lsitens so i just say whatever in the hopes that maybe theyll care about what im talking about, i dont know. oh fuck like at the party i was talking about zenos paradox and how 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 .... = 1 like why am i talking about this. but i do think my buddy who i was talking about this to was listening, maybe, idk.
tbh a reason i like this page so much is that i can say shit and its easier to make it make sense. like irl my brains gotta match my mouth and im sayin stuff in real time and i cant go back and change my wording to make myself make more sense, and ill try to do that but then i just end up stuttering and starting my sentences over and hesitating on words and its a mess. but typing i can sorta make some more sense of my words
sometimes ill think about if i just like, never showed up to an invitation to something anymore, and just never went outside (i mean tbh i kinda already never go outside) but like, would ppl notice??? idk, i feel invisible a lot (LMAO how cliche), like i just blend in with the scenery or whatever. all i do is talk about random shit and i sound like ass doing it. but like i said maybe a reason i say all this garbage is because no one listens, BUT THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE, DOES IT??????????
because i never talk about shit that interests me, when i have a chance to ill just fucking spew words outta my mouth. thats how it works.
i very rarely text my friends.......... i prefer talking irl, which is weird because i just wrote a paragraph on why i prefer writing over speaking. i dont know. maybe its just a preference.
it did feel nice to just write all this out though...........
sometimes ill get real emotional and wanna write all this stuff on here, then ill just spend a few hours not thinking about whatevers bothering me, and like, its still kinda bothering me (but the kinda is silent), but i'll be less ARHKJGHK WHY AM I LIKE THIS IM GONNA HAKDJHASKJHKJHG.
and sometimes im like "wow, i cant say everything i want to on here bcuz im scared ppl ik irl will see it" (as if, but im paranoid)
like i was gonna write all this stuff on here today and be all angsty (thats not the right word... i cant think of it) about all this stuff thats fucking me up riht now but i just sat on it for a few hours and now im not in the mood to vomit words on here
ITS HIP TO BE SQUARE
oh my god im listening to hello nasty for da first time in a million yearz, ASJKHDJHKJAD JHJKKHAJD IM FUCKING VIBRATING I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LVOVE THIS ALBUM
i may be miserable, but at least i have fumos
i may be miserable, but at least....... oh god there's no at least. what the fuck is wrong with me im so fucking miserable all the time my buddies came to my house 2day asking if i wanted to hang out and i said no because im tryna go out less because theres like a disease going around or something i dont fucking know so i said no and part of me says "yes good choice theres a disease or whatever" and the other part of me says "you should go out because all you do, disease or no disease, is waste in your room all day and let the brain rot fester" oh god im so fucking tired of everything. why did i say no but saying yes was the right choice or was it oh god why am i like this. holy shit and the times i should say no i say yes because i was too scared to say no because if i say no someone will feel bad and then i'll feel bad for making someone else feel bad but i dont owe them anything but i still feel like i owe them something i dont fucking know why. god i want to just cut out my brain so i cant think of anything from now on i want to stop thinking. but its okay that i said no to hanging out with my friends because i can always text them. actually nevermind i cant because i cant fucking text people i get so nervous and i dont like to but i also like to and i want to talk to people but im too scared to talk to people i dont fucking know why but i want to talk to my friends somehow thats not seeing each other irl because theres a disease going around or something but even if there wasnt a disease or whatever i'd still be too nervous to text my friends because i dont know why. i want to text them and i want to talk to people but its kinda like what i was saying before whenever i talk to people i look so fucking stupid because i mess up my words and sentences come out wrong and i talk about shit no one else cares about but then i remember thats only some of the times and i can talk to my friends and they wont care if i fuck up my words and sound stupid because or talk about things im interested in because i know them and i love them and they love me too but sometimes its just hard to remember that people other than my family love me because i spend so much time alone. i cant tell if i spend so much time alone because i like it or if its because im just so used to feeling like no one wants to hear what i have to say that even if i know my friends want me around and enjoy my company. maybe its a little bit of both. i dont know why i feel like no one wants to hear me speak because i know for the most part it isnt true (and i know maybe theres someone out there who hates me and everything i have to say but thats okay because we all have someone we hate for whatever reason) but theres a part of me thats just saying "oh god why am i telling people about this no one cares" when im talking to my friends, even though i know even if they arent super into what im talking about, they'll still listen because thats what friends do. maybe thats one of the reasons they like talking to me, but i cant read minds so i dont know, although the thought is reassuring. its okay to spend time alone, but i do it too much to the point where i start overthinking about things i do and how people percieve me because of it, and then my brain begins to rot again so i spend more time alone, and the snake eats its own tail, continuing the cycle.
i may be miserable but at least i have fumos and friends who love and enjoy my presence.
and now im a little less miserable and also wow its the 1000th line of code on here
who needs therapy when you have a neocities website?
SOME PPL SAY THE MOST DANGEROUS DRUG IS HEROIN ..... THATS ACTUALLY THE 2ND MOST DANGEROUS DRUG. THE MOST DANGEROUS DRUG??????
okay im going to take a shower and then in 30 minutes ill come back and go fucking wild on here. well, relatively wild. im not sure
sorry guys i lied that wasnt 30 minutes, my bad
okay so how do i start this because there's a lot of stuff i have to say, and i know that its not anyone's business (business is a hard word to spell) but i dont care because i really just need to have a place to say all these things in my head because i like to talk about things but i cant just go up to random ppl and tell them this stuff, so this page is my best option. anyway.
i've talked about the speedway cashier on here before, i'll update the homepage to talk about speedway soon, but not right now. anyway, yesterday (8/18) was his last day working there. i wish i could've seen him more often with my buddies this year, but it cant be helped i guess. he's going back to college ;_; oh god WHY couldnt've i been born 4 years earlier?!??!?! but anyway yesterday my good friend came over to spend the night and we went to speedway to visit him before he left in the afternoon. when i paid for our stuff i said hi, then we sat down for a bit, then i realized i had a dollar left and we could share an arizona (i just wanted another excuse to talk to him tbh) so we went up to get one but there wasnt any left so i go up to him and ask "hey umm is there like... any like... ummm.... is there like any arizonas in the back?" and he said what kind and my friend said mango so he went to look and there wasnt any so he asked again and i had no idea what other flavors there were so my friend said "the blue one" to me, maybe there's a blue one idk, so i confidently said "THE BLUE ONE" and he says "there's no blue one" so my brain shuts off, he says "im just gonna get you a watermelon" and i say "OKAY!!!!!!!!!" but with much less confidence. anyway i pay with my dollar and he tells me my change is one penny so i decide to be mister macho man and i say "IM FEELING GENEROUS TODAY, KEEP THE CHANGE!!!". ik with the way im writing it makes me sound like a lunatic, but we were both laffin and jokin around with each other. anyway, my friend and i leave later, and as we're walking back im telling her about how he lives in my head rent-free, but god WHY couldnt've i been born four years earlier!!!!!!!!
anyway later that night my other buddies went down to speedway and we met them there to say goodbye before he left ;_; we made him a card n stuff and oh GOD i miss him!!!!!!!!!!!! and ik last summer he said he wasnt coming back but he did this year, but he said he was fr not coming back......... oh god he really lives in my head rent-free!!!!!!!! FUCK WHAT THE HELL MAN??????? god i dont think i'll ever get over him ;_; standing by the register talking to him with my buddies........ oh god oh fuck i miss him so much
so later that night my buddy and i were downstairs hangin out, then it got to the time of the night where you talk about SRS BZNS!!! it took me a while to build up the confidence to tell her stuff though, because even though its been a year since, i didnt really tell anyone anything because i dont like ppl getting worried over me. which was part of the problem because if i had told one of my buddies sooner i wouldnt've been so miserable during. but i didnt want to make a fuss. anyway, i told her "pls dont tell no one (LMAOO i say dont tell no one but then i go and say it on my website. but its vague so it'll be fine. and ppl ik irl dont read my site often enough for me to be worried)" and then told her about whatever and how i made everything seem okei bcuz everythings gotta be okei. and i said yes because there was a lot of people around and i didnt want to put them in an uncomfortable position if i said no. i should've pulled them aside and said "hey so umm listen.... like...... uh.... so like... ummm... i uh.... so like......" and maybe they would've known what i was trying to say. but if i wasnt such a goddamn doormat, nothing would've happened. here's what my friend told me: when i was with my buddies and they were with us, things would be pretty normal but when i left for a sec they would say horrible things and i dont know what horrible things they said but then i would come back and things would be normal. i wouldn't know about this because i wasnt there. i should ask her what they said. and then i told her other things i should've told her, or someone at least, when they happened but i didnt because even though i knew she didnt like them i was scared ppl would make a fuss. so right i told her those things and i know it was fucked up, then we look a break for a bit. then i told her one last thing and i felt sick saying it and i know it was fucked up but i feel bad for feeling so sick about it because it could've been a lot worse. but i should've told her sooner because then maybe it wouldnt've lasted so long. and then it was late so i said "maybe we should go to bed instead of wallowing in misery" and she said okay and i said thank you for listening. but i couldnt really sleep well because i felt so sick and then i would remember other things and feel terrible. but at least i finally told someone
i had to read books over the summer but the library was closed for most of the summer and im not gonna buy from fucking amazon, so i didnt read them. and now schools going to start again soon and im doing online even though i dont learn anything, but i'm too young to die (LMAOOOO i coulda said that for anytime i went to school, sasuga america) but anyway i dont know what im going to do because i hate doing online i dont learn anything. i dont know what im going to do. well actually...... no dont worry i was just entertaining the thought. and i have no motivation to do anything anymore because my brain is fried and all i do is turn to escapism from my problems which fries my brain more. but if i dont think about it then its not a problem. conciousness was a mistake i would give anything for human instrumentality to happen. god what the hell am i gonna do when school starts............ no dont worry i was just entertaining the thought again......
its 1am, i should go to bed....... oh god oh fuck i miss him i cant believe he's fucking gone god he lives in my head i dont think i'll ever get over him ;_;
im gonna wake up tomorrow and read all this again and think its cringe but whatever.
when adrock said "cheaper than a hot dog with no mustard"............ i felt that <33333333333
i am simply.............. thinking about adrock.............
ebangelion was right................... it really does all return to nothing
so i started shitty fucking online class today, it was a half day today. idk how im gonna make it through the whole year doing this. idk man.............
..........im not gonna do it girl, i was just thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it
might pull a shinji and just run away from all my problems, and ride my bike as far as i can go.
yes i sound dramatic yes i will sound dramatic but i dont care
and now its the point where i realize the problem is probably me, as in, i've complained about how everyday is the same when i was still in real school, but now with all this time off everyday has become the same again. idk man. god im so stressed all the goddamn time and theres no way for me to do anything about it
unless i run away from all of my problems, of course
how am i gonna do all these goddamn classes......... its better than the alternative maybe, idontknow. at least im not gonna die 2 weeks into the year, from that disease thats goin around.
man idk what im gonna do...... god and im taking these goddamn ap classes, i've created my own hell. ill probably be fine with ap calc, im just nervous about ap lang bcuz the brain rot has been fermenting for such a long time, i cant fucking get enough motivation to think about stuff. ik everyone nowadays claims to be a "former gifted kid", but god that burnout is real oh god im thinking of him again.............. whatafuk man WHY couldnt've i been born 4 years earlier????????????????? fuck im sorry i got off topic but i would read like a million books a year spider in my room ill finish this later im scared
okay guize im back and im still suffering. spider still in my room but if i die i die i guess. i shoved all the dolls off my bed because im scared it might hide in them, so im sad now. ma told me to change my sheets so i took them off but i got too scared it would be hiding inbetween my bed and wall so i asked her to do it and then i just started crying because im really stressed and i was really scared, but my ma made me feel better. i think im good now though probably not
god i cant stop thinking about him im livinig in hell
i'll wake up tomorrow with my fucking alarm and probably start crying
idk how im gonna do a whole year of this again, and then one more time. idk how im gonna do it. but when im done with it all........ oh boy...... have i got plans
instead of saying "im not gonna do it girl i was just thinking about it" again, i'll tell you of my plans for da future.
preface: everytime im supposed to make something in school thats like "write 3 goals for yourself to reach in the future" or "pick 3 colleges you want to go to" or "pick 3 careers that interest you (and its a premade list)" or "what are your plans after highschool", i want to fucking choke on my pencil. all those prompts make my brain rot speed up until i just write down lies. i've talked about this before.
plans for da future: make tenshi cosplay, then after graduating hs go on a road trip down route 66, and take a pic in the costume at a route 66 sign. idk about the corndog because i fucking hate hotdogs. maybe ill take my buddies with me. after the road trip, i'll fuck off to the middle of nowhere in the southwest, find a whorse, become buddies. ill be a lone traveler with my pony, and at night we'll set up a little campfire so i can fry bread for dinner, and ill play a little diddy on the guitar to help my pony fall asleep. i cant play the guitar but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. after many days of travelling, i'll come across a little town. i'll park my pony outside the saloon and swing those goddamned doors open. everyone stops and looks at me, they know im a chad. i'll get to know the ppl of the town and pick up girlies like its goin outta style, but then i'll end up getting close with one and we'll be together for a bit. but then tragedy strikes. i talked too much shit at the saloon and now i'm shot in the stomach. my lover rushes over to me and says smth like "youre such a fool, i told you to stop getting into these fights!!" while she looks down at me with tears in her eyes and holds my hand. then i'll say smth like "wait, no, its not like that. he insulted you... i was only doing it because i... i love you" and then i'll fucking die at 25
i've told this plan to my buddies and also him (god he lives in my head rent-free, im in so much pain) but i cant write that down at school because they'll think im a lunatic. they'll look at my answer and say some shit like "wow, very creative, clam hanson! but thats not quiiiiiiiite what we're looking for :^) why don't you turn it in again on friday?"
im not gonna do it girl, i was just thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thinking about it thi
tattoo i want: cheesed to meet you
yea, buzzcocks were right. i am tired of always being upset, always wanting something i could never get
yea, buzzcocks were right. i dont know what to do with my life.
MY APLANG TEACHER IS TALKING ABOUT JORDAN PETERSON AND DEFENDING HIM I FUCKING HATE THIS CLASS
im rewatchin g evangelion right now........ btw evangelion spoilers or smth in this section. when i watched it in 7th grade i dint really understand anything other than "wow i like rei shes nice" "asukas mean" "kaji watermelons" and stuff liek that...... and i mean over the years i've like, looked stuff up to understand it better and to refresh my memory. but now my buddies are into evangelion, and in like, december or smth i had a sleepover w/ 2 of my friends and we watched "end of evangelion" and i got to explain everything.
but anyway rewatching it right now i realize... "man shinji really knew what he was talking about with all that escapism stuff" and like all the stuff he was talkin about when he was trapped in unit 01...... yea i WOULD like to one of mind and body, it WOULD be a very very comforting feeling..... yea its like that sometimes
my ma wants me to start thinging about college or whateevvr. bcuz its that year where you have to start thinging about tthat. but every time i tell someone "maybe i dont wanna go to college" they say "WHATAFUK MAN??!?!??!? YOURRE WASTING YOUR ABILITIES!!!!!!"
i know that the idea of "gifted kids" is one of priviedge or however the fuck you spell that, but man, when you're told how "gifted" and "smart" you are all throughout elementary school, and there's all your teachers cheering you on and pushing you to "excel" or whatever the fuck they say, and they're always talking about how you got so much "potential", and so you spend all of your energy being good at academics when it doesnt really matter, and then when you're 12 that energy starts running out, and then by the time you're 13 you're all burnt out and have no more energy or motivation to do anything anymore........ it does a number on ya. so now you're burnt out but you're known to other kids as "real smart" so you gotta keep doing shit to keep up appearances, and i mean, you CAN do the hard stuff, but you just have no motivation or energy to do it anymore because you're always running on 8%. and you're so obsessed with appearances, you'd rather be miserable all the time than to admit that ya know what?? maybe something ISNT right!! but you cant swallow your pride and admit that something wrong because everything gotta be fine. always gotta be fine. gotta keep up appearances, gotta "fake it till you make it". make what????? and you know you cant blame anyone other than yourself for not being able to swallow your pride, but because thats what you CANT do, you're gonna go back to when you're 9 years old doing a math problem you cant figure out so you ask the girl next to you what she got and she says smth like "lmao i thought you were the smart kid?" so now you cant ask for help because of a stupid fucking fourth grader, and you know it shouldnt matter and youre being petty but when you're so obsessed with the idea of being the smart kid, hmmm. but now youre taking ap calc and she's in precalc, so who's laughing now you fuck? but now she seems so.... well-adjusted i guess. so uh... maybe its her who's laughing. but at least i know how to do limits!! but at what cost?? the cost of all my motivation to do anything!!!!!! the tortoise and the hare.... i did all of the stuff at the beginning of the race and now im so tired.
but there's a tech college my ma wants me to go to, and today they mailed me a pamphlet of majors n shit like that, so i guess i might as well fuciking go there. ok.
ma i am still but a wee lass, i want to wear pretty dresses and make dolls. only yesterday was i playing flash dressup games and hanging out w/ my ma in the garage while she worked ;_;
buenos tardes amigo
hola my good friend
cinco de mayo's on tuesday
and i hoped we'd see each other again
yes i hoped we'd see each other again
i hoped we'd see each other
yea, weezer WAS right. i wanna go back, and i dont know how i got off track
ok i finished rewatching evangeloin. tbh i like the original ending because it means shinji's happy and he finally accepts himself, and thats nice to see. i still love rei bczu shes nice. also shen shes talkin about lonliness or whaeterv, like she doesnt wanna be alone..... yea
also the scene when shinji saves her and she smiles...... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHJHDGJH i love her so much
its like i have more thoughts right now but im tired
rei and i..... we are not so differnt........its the existence issues
lonely as in "i cant truly connect with other people, i'll always feel like an outsider" or "there is never mutual understanding between myself and others" i dont feel like me, no sense of self. like i just cant imagine someone thinking of me, as in, i exist to other people. god i cant imagine ever really connecting with someone, as in, those paintings you see of two people and there's a line connecting their hearts or something. i'll never completely open up to someone, that kind of lonliness.
okay you fucking emo. anyway i hate looking at my reflection because i always see myself different every time, like my face literally looks different every time i look in the mirror, and it could be the way my hair is at that moment but idk, like, i cant imagine what i actually look like because every time i see myself i look different.
im so fucking close to just........ going off the rails. im just so exhausted all the time. idk man, i dont have the words to put it onto a page. my mind is empty of thought but the feeling is still there, so like, i can't do nothin about it. i cant do anything about anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes i'll be eating a bagel and i'll get unlucky and it turns out there's a lil bit of mold on the bagel, so it kinda tastes like dirt. but its alright bcuz it'll like, make my immune system stronger or smth, i dont fucking know.
maybe thats why i have brain rot. the mold went up into my head and now there's just slop in my skull
i keep saying "im so fed up with everything i can't take it anymore" or "one of these days im gonna go fucking crazy" but i never do anything. i never do anything. i dont know what i can do. yea, evangelion WAS right, it all keeps tumbling down
god if i could prevent anyone from talking ever again it would be me because i hate what i say.
all i rlly want is a pair of those fairy wings with the elastic straps on the back. so i can have fairy wings.
and i want prettyt dressses to wear and ill wear the fairy wings with them and then ill go out adn see my pony
and then i can go catch butterflies outside with my pretry dress and fairy wings and then illl go and frolick
thats all i want
god my head is empty. and i always say that i write so much on here to finally get all thoughts outta my head so i can finally relax but i never realized that when i finally have all thoughts outta my head the feelig is still there and all the thoughts are gone so theres nothing else.
bagel mold bagel mold bagel mold bagel mold
i really like the solo in first week/last week it makes me happy it osunds nice
so ig we're supposed to go to the physical school so we can take the fucking psat. have i told you about how much i hate the college board??????? yea lets stuff every fucking student into the same building when theres something thats going around infecting people so they can take a fucking dumbass test. yes the online students are going to have to go too. i swear to god im going to go off the rails one of these days.
im gonna be honest, and idc if this gets me put on a watchlist, but its so fucking funny 45 got corona. ik its old news at this point but its so funny because he deserves it. talk about irony, right??? "oh no dont wish he dies bcuz if he dies he wont ever face trial for his crimes UnU" man he's never gonna face trial for his crimes, it would be the only way he'd ever face any sort of repurcissions. and it would be really funny. like, imagine downplaying an issue youve known about since january, and then dying from it. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO god i can dream. "WAAAAH water you doing, wishing death on another person??" COPE!!!! its objectively funny. the guys in the white coats released him early from the hospital to like, prevent panic or smth, when he's still got one foot in the grave and other on a banana peel, which is nothing but good news. AND being pumped full of experimental drugs??? god i hope they're unfinished. also have you seen pics of his hospital room??? the ruler of a country living in luxury while his citizens suffer..... im not saying history repeats itself, but it sure does rhyme....
anyway i'll stop here before the fbi
kills me in my sleep comes to visit
LETTING THE DAYS GO BY!!!!!!
LET THE WATER HOLD ME DOWN!!!!!!!!
LETTING THE DAYS GO BY!!!!!!
WATER FLOWING UNDERGROUND!!!!!!!!
cryngi over rei ayanami again fellas......
but anyway guys i started therapy so my brain rot will start 2 go away
not much else 2 say here........ im excited for da last evangelion movie.. i just want shinji 2 be happy
things i am looking forward to:
thats all i can think of right now ill think of more tow-later (funny, tow-mater??? gettit???)
i hate writing rhetorical analysis shit for ap lang. but i will gladly write essays on evangelion charaacters. do you want to hear me talk about the scene in eoe where everyone turns into lcl??? no??? r u shure??? i can i mean its not a problem for me. are you sure??? dont worry i have all the time i need. no??? r u shure???
i havent had a lot of thoughts in my head the past month or so.... ............ idk what it is....... tbh i think its bcuz i spit all my thoughts on this page, and now there's nothing else to think about. "my thoughts" as in, me being emo and thinking about da stuff i write on here. unfortunately, i still think. but it cant be hlped i guess......
i dont know what to say anymore........ feelings are there but i cant idnetify them and wirte them down.
AND CURSE MYSELF FOR BEING ACROSS THE SEA
WH YARE YOU SO FAR AWAY FROM MEEEEEE?????
anyway i dont even know what to write here. brain is empty but feelins are there and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and
its like.. i cant imagine myself opeining up to anyone other than this website, and thats just how it is.
hey myabe actually shut the fuck up you sound like a dumbass and youre listening to pinkerton rn..... how cliche can i be?????? and then it all feels like its none of the feelngi is real and you wont open up to anyone else because yr a fucking loser and you hate yourself
being perceived was a mistake
everything i write on here is ass and i GOD I DONT FUCKING KNOW!??!?!!??!
every entry on here is one of the following:
AND I WOULDNT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WWAY!!!!!!
fuck i think its time to make a new page for this section... shits getting too long
ok i did that
HANNI HARA HARE HI
it was 70 degrees out today, its gonna be warm this week. i fukiing hate being alive sometimes. btu not always. because i rode my bike today down a trail nd it was nice. but it would be nice if it was like, april or may. but NOVEMBER????? but lets pretend its sprign or smth
its 2010 and its a nice spring day and yr ma is cleaning the kitchen becuse family is coming over later that day, and the front door is open and its so nice outside, and the house is nice and cool, and it smells sorta like cleaning chemicals and sorta like nice outside smell. yr ma is listening to npr from the kitchen radio, you're on the couch in the living room playing mario galaxy, the door is open with a nice breeze......
anyway there was that nice outside smell today is what im tryna say
does anyone want to talk about the years 2018-2019. does anyone want to talk about freshman year orchestra. does anyone want to talk about memories from elementary school.
ive been playing clannad recently...... i never finished the anime so nothing too big was spoiled. how many fucking routes are there??? i havent gotten very far into the game, i forgot what day im on, im still in april. god its long. but anyway it makes me feel very nostalgic.
speaking of nostalgia yesterday felt very nostalgic and idk why. wait i know why because i remembered an old game i used to play as a wee lass. it was called tanakas friendly adventure and i redownloaded it and i remmemberd all about it. then i drew a picture with some pastels, and i felt like i was 5 years old again just doing whatever i felt like.
bottle is ready... to go...
SAY IT AINT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUR DRUG IS A HEARTBREAKER
SAY IT AINT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LOVE IS A LIFE TAKER!!!!!!
i had a lot of angst earlier today but idk where it went so its weezer time
something about big gretch..... oh right. i remember now
nvm i dont feel like writing shit
so 2day i told my therapist about me not being sure if i wanna go 2 college and it made me very happy when she was okay with that, bcuz every time i tell someone i dont wanna go 2 college they clutch their pearls and tell me "oh but youre wasting your BRAIN!!" please shut up. but anyway that just made me hapy :^)
its the time of the year where i "give up" (not really) on school. as in, i lose my will to do good in school. as in, i am "out of steam" as they say. as in, the monotony has seeped into my brain and now i have no motivation.
happens every year, like clockwork. so what i usually do is "sacrifice" a class to get like, c's in. this year it's ap econ because fuck the college board and fuck their propaganda.
but whatevr. one day i'll have a little farm in the salinas valley with lots of animals, and i'll feed the rabbits falafel, and i'll make some money....
idk whats up. idk i felt like i nnedd to write in here
sometimes its like when im not 101% miserable and i am just living, as in, there is nothing happpening in my brain and i am just there and im bored an im cycling through the same 3 websites even though nothings changed.
god once again your e writing thiesee things down and now you sound like a dumbass who just complains all the time and you do, and then youre wondering "why am i writng on here" beasue hthere is no reason for you to be typing but you just are.
huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh when i am not feelng like ass its weird because it feels as if tehers a part missing, yes they were right when they said misery is comforting
im just writing ass on here right now. not everything is gonna be another gem like "i hate society and i hate myself". and thats okay. sometime you just gotta be fucking dumbass or whatever. its comforting because it is 1am right now and my lamp is off and it is nice and quiet and there is no one but me and there is music and its nice and its comforting
one day i willl be older and i will say "man i miss when i was 16 and i spent all my thyme in my bed going online and playng touhou and riding my bike" and then i will say "its almost like im 16 again.... OH NO!!!!!!!!!" like the song. and i will say "together or not together, these are the last traces of those dreamlike days"
i think "love bites" by buzzcocks is a very good album.!.!.!.!.!.!>!
oh god this is gonna be one of those times i write a bunch of stupid shit in div boxes and none of it makes any sense, like the shit i wrote on the other president page........ isnt it? but whatever i guess
thast funny because i just said that i was fine with writing ass sometimes. not everthing is gonna be such a riveting thinkpiece as "i was just thinking about it" written a million thymes.
FUCK i wish it was 2014 again and i would ride my bike down the street to my friends house and she was 2 grades ahead of me and we would play in her basement in a bigass refridgerator box we decorated and then maybe we'd play on her wii and maybe we would go back upstairs to her room and watch disney channel movies and then we would go on pinterest and she would look at hairstyles and other 2014 stuff and then maybe we'd draw and i'd draw a shitty anime girl that i traced over from pinterest and then i'd ask my ma to spend the night and she would say yes and so i would spend the night and we would always mkae popcorn and she'd smush the package to "get all the butter spread around" and we'd open the microwave with 1 second left because we pretended it was a bomb and we'd watch a movie that was popular at the time like hunger games or diveregnt or fault in our stars and i'd sleep on a cot. and then we'd wake up and have to be quiet because her grandparents were still sleeping and we'd make toaster strudels for breakfast and we'd and we'd and we'd and we'd and we'd and we'd and we'd and we'd but then she moved and oh god i miss her so much i miss her i miss her i miss her i miss her so much oh god oh fuck shes graduated now fuck what the fuck
god i miss her so much so much so much oh god im remembering everything we used to do together i hope shes doing okay it would be cool to see her again
what the fuck am i gonna do from now on.
i cant remember if i said this on here and im not gonna bother to check but anyway my school forced us to have our pfps as our shitty fucking school picture and i hate it because i hate looking at my face and when im writing some garbage i made up for class or smth ill look at the corner and theres my stupid fucking face looking at me and ill think to myself "is this what i am" and then i'll remember my teacher will see my face and associate it with my work and see my work and associate it with my face and now she has a perception of me in her head and now i exist as a person to her and i am no longer just a..... i dont remember what my origial pfp was. but now a face goes to the name goes to the work and i am existing to one more person. i will look and see my pfp of my face with my school picture that looks like ass and its just such a terrible experience.
and now im having 10 different memories play at the same time and they are all unified with a theme but i dont know what it is but they have a unifying theme and theyre all nice memories and i wish i could physically be there again
the way i speak on this website, as in, run on sentences and stream of conciousness, is how i speak to my ma irl because sometimes i will just be with my ma and i will ust start talking about something something something and i dont know why i do that but i do it on here too and i think its because i just Dont Talk to People that much or maybe i dont fucking know i just say shit.
sometimes i see old abandonned neocities websites and get sad. last updated..... 2018, 2017..... idk. i wonder where they are now, why they abandonned their website? idk its just kinda sad. empty, knowing that they'll likely never update agen....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I CANT FUKICNG TAKE IT ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEE I CANT FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE EVERYDAY I WAKE UP AND ITS THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER GOD WONT LET ME REST WHATAFUK MAN?!!??!?!?!??!?!?!!?? PLEASE JUST LET ME ENJOYEE ENJOYEE ENJOYEE MY LIFE GOD WHY IS EVERYTHING LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME PLEASE GOD I CANT FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE IT NEVER ENDS EVERY FUCKING DAY ITS THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND NONE OF IT FUCKIING MATTERS WHY AM I DOING ANYTHING WHY DO I HAVE TO DO ANY OF THIS?????? ITS ALL BUSYWORK ALL OF IT EVERY LAST FUCKING BIT WHAT THE FUCK I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE PLEASE GOD I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS PEOPLE GIVE ME WORK TO DO I DO THE WORK THEN THEY GIVE ME MORE WORK AND I DO THE WORK AND THEY GIVE ME MORE WORK AND I DO THE WORK AND IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS DOES IT????????? I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE EVERYDAY I WAKE UP AND ITS THE SAME SHIT WHATS THE FUCKING POINT ANYMORE THE ONLY REASON I GET OUT OF BED IS BECAUSE OF THE EXPECTATIONS PLACED ON ME THAT I DO WHAT IM TOLD WHY DO I WAKE UP EVERYDAY ANYMORE???? THERE IS NOTHING!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!! WHATS THE POINT OF WAKING UP WHEN I KNOW ITS GONNA BE THE SAME DAY AS YESTERDAY GOD I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GOD JUST LET ME REST I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE EVERYDAY HAS BEEN THE SAME SINCE FOREVER AND IT NEVER ENDS!!!!!!!! THEY GIVE ME WORK AND I DO IT AND THEN THEY GIVE ME MORE, AND FOR WHAT???? JUST TO KEEP ME BUSY?? AND EVEN WHEN I DONT HAVE ANY WORK I CANT GIVE MYSELF ANY MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING WORTHWILE IT NEVER ENDS!!!!!!!
sometimes the shit gets to you i really cant take it anymore
when i hug fumo the pain goes away but its only a temporary solution
even when i go out and ride my bike i get so sick of seeing the same houses same trees same streets same buildings same same same same same every time. and its not like theres a lot of places to go anyway because i can only go so far on a bike
even rereading the shit on here from this year..... sometimes i really do truly hate myself and what i have to say
i cant even drive a goddamn car without fucking it up i hate being alive so much
im just so tired of this and i have to wake up tomorrow to do the same things over and over again i cant imagine living like this anymore. god please just let me rest i cant do this anymore
i dont even know what to say anymore im so sick of being miserable all the time but i dont want to admit that its so comforting.
its been a rough 16 years hasnt it and now that i say this i think "god what a fucking loser" because all i am feeling is just
my ma made meatballs n vegetables for dinner tonight they were real good she makes really good meatballs
now its late and i have to g ot o bed because ih vae to wake up inthe moringn so i will hug fumofumo and hope the pain goes away
i was thinkng about mainkg higurashi amvs but i triedta put the bideo in movie maker and it dint fucking work
fell in love with someone from my dreams again fellas
IT HAPPND AGAIN GUYS I FELL INLOVE WITH SOMEONE FROM MY DREAMS AGAIN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ;_;