FPRESINDENT

wowee i havent been updating this in a while

does that mean i am normal now? idk

man i just havent been writing on my website as much lately, its not because im too busy... well actually it might be because ive been busy with school last semester, i had a good amount of work last semester.

but this semester im not too busy, so maybe ill be writing more, i just dont have any ideas to write about. or like, theres nothing so interesting that i feel the need to write about it on here

ive mellowed out a lot compared to when i was 14 and i made this page. which i guess is a good thing

ummmm whats been going on lately. nothing really.

take a look at my girlfriend. shes the only one ive got.

take a look at my bunny. hes the only one i got. hes much of a bunny, eats lettuce a lot

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i olev bnnuy so much :)

take a look at my bunny. hes the only one ive got. hes much of a bunny, likes to eat his hay a lot

bunnytown, usa

i wish i lived in bunnytown, usa

usa as in, usagi

i love bunnys so much

breakfast in bunnymerica

it snowed a lot last month, for like two weeks it didnt stop snowing. but now its 45 out and all the snog melted ;_;

if it doesnt start snowing again and being cold again im going to start executing the hostages

2/16/24

hatsune miku live at folsom prison

3/7/24

i will never be a sleazy womanizing cowboy in the wild west who rides a motorbike and makes his money playing the blues in the small route 66 towns he passes through. and smokes cigarettes while lamenting the one that got away, but she was just too damn nice for a fool like himself. whats the fucking point.

whats the fucking point

no matter how many dreams i achieve, no matter how successful i become, no matter how enjoyable my life becomes, no matter how satisfied i become with my life, there will always ALWAYS be a part of me that wishes deep deep down i was a sleazy cowboy with shitty hair and gaunt, pockmarked face with tired eyes, with a past haunted by his once over-excitable trigger finger. A man once ruled by juvenile hedonism that eventually led to the only woman he loved to leave. With a mysterious scar of course, as if it isn't obvious. But as he saunters into the next saloon, all of that is hidden by the smoke of his cigar and the mirrors behind the bar. As much as he tries to leave the hedonism that once ruined him, it trails behind him like the spurrs on his boots. Not a heroic, gallant cowboy by any means. In fact, he feels the title of cowboy doesn't even fit him at all; when has he ever worked a hard day in his life? His hands were made for his six-shooter and women's chests, not for wrangling cows. The hardest thing he's ever done was face the face she's not coming back, which if you think about it, doesn't even matter that much anyway. He's fine on his own, can't be tied down... or something like that. He pulls out another cigarette. So really, the hardest thing he's ever done was remove Sheriff Cathode's bullet from his thigh. His self-operation was always a story that pulled the girlies into his arms.

i ran out of ideas.

actually i think im good now. i got my yearly cowboy-dreams out of my system.

i dont want to be like that guy i wrote about. but boy was it fun to write.

4/17/24

there is something definitely wrong with me

i had more to write but my computer was acting up and for some reason whenever i booted it up the keyboard wouldnt work so i would have to restart my computer to get teh keyboard to work. but i think its fixed now hopefully i edited the kernel parameters which is what people on the linux mint forums told me to do.

there is something wrong with me i htink. as supertramp would say, not quite right

4/21/24

i stayed up till 2 workin on a block diagram yesdertay

but i work hard and thas good

awwawawwwwwwwawawawawawaaawwaa im just as sane as anyone

actually i thikn over this year ive become so normal, im so normal now. like im normal now. you know i used to be a nervous freak and i was too scared to do anything but now i am not like that anymore. like im still a little off. but im so normal.

ah i think its more like, uhhhhhhhhh i spent so much time being an incredibly miserable nervous wreck, yknow like godawful, but im not anymore. now im just a little strange and offputting which feels so normal and natural.

4/28/24

FUCK OGDAMNIT UFCK IM GOING TO INDUCE VOMITING ON MYSELF FUCKING HELL

I NEED TO GET A FUCKING JOB HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!! IF I SPEND ONE MORE SUMMER HERE WITHOUT A JOB IM GONNA GO BALLISTIC I NEED FUCKIGN MONEY I NEED TO MOVE OUT I NEED A JOB I NEED TO BECOEM LESS "ME" ANd MORE PERSON if that makes sense

GOD the worst fucking thing is when i tell my parents "hey i got an interview with this place" and then they tell everyone and now everyone thinks im going to ********** for the summer to work and NO i didnt get the job but eveyone still thinks im going to ************ so they ask "ohh when are you going to ******************** to work?" and i say "haha i havent gotten a reply yet haha" because no one fucking tells you if they reject your application they just fucking GHOST you but the answer is obviously no. IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING *********** THIS SUMMMER PLEASE STOP ASKING ABOUT IT IM GOING TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE

everywhere else is "hehehehe we're hiring!!!!!! UNPAID INTERNSHIPS ONLY" just tell me to kill myself next time why dont you

i have skills i have skills i have skills PLEASE

FUCK I NEED FUCKING MONEY BECAUSE I NEED TO PAY RENT AND BUY GROCERIES AND SOMEHOW PAY FOR UNIVERSITY AND BUY A ROPE AND GOD FUCKING DAMNIT that last part was a lie im just very fed up with everything. YES ma i know i need to look for jobs its killing me just as much as its killng you PLEASE GOD I HAVE SKILLS AND IM APPLYING LIKE ITS GOING OUT OF STYLE.

thte other day i went to the mall bcuz i just got home for the summer and i hadnt been to a mall in forever, so i went to the mall and i got really depressed because even though i didnt want to buy anything even if i did i wouldnt have been able to afford it. im too old to ask my parents to buy me things, and even then i would feel so guilty because WHAT right to i have to ask my parents for stuff when im a fucking adult im supposed to be buying my own shit now. i hate when people buy me things because i feel so guilty because now i feel obligated to pay you back but i cant do that because i have no money, so when people offer to buy me something i have to beg them not to but i cant explain WHY because then theyll know im BROKE AS SHIT!!!!!!!!!! "but clam we're your friends you dont have to pay us back ;_; let us treat you just this once" im so sorry im sorry im sorry please dont spend money on me i cant take it

FUCK I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT

I HATE THE SUBURBS I HATE MONEY

i hate talking to people i just want to be left alone forever its so stressful. my brother was right living in the suburbs is hell on earth; i understand everything he was telling me now

6/25/24

maybe this belongs on nanodesu.html, i might move it there. idk. regardless.

listen man i know i just got back from the local anime con, but surprisingly this has very little to do with that, but goddamn yknow sometimes i think anime should be like, a niche thing again. as in, gatekeeping LEL. as one commenter in my guestbook aptly put it: "new azumanga daioh fans dont play about not watching the show". there's that one tumblr post thats like "evangelion fan really excited to watch the show for the first time". all those poser "y2k animecore webcore 2000s moecore otakucore kawaiicore neetcore fuckcore pisscore killmyselfcore satancore anuscore" losers reposing screenshots from anime theyve never seen and visual novels theyve never played, only read the fandom.com wiki. the fucking wcdonalds ad campaign. all those tw*tter merryweather-esque comics WOWOWOWZA THIS ANIME GIRL HAS BIG BOOBS!!!!!! the thing "music for unproductive zoomers" was parodying. people who LOVE LOVE LOVE to jerk off about how much they LOOOOVE miku but only know whatever vocaloid song is popular on tiktok this week. rick and morty anime. people whose only interaction with anime is shitty memes they see on youtube/reddit. reddit in general. WOOOAHHH IS THAT A JOJO'S REFERENCE (they always call it jojo's).

it needs to go

there was this one tumblr post i saw that was like "anime needs to be less accessible to the barnes & noble crowd". yeah. yeah it does. it all needs to go.

like regarding the 15 year olds on tumblr/pinterest who are in the whole "animecore webcore peniscore kawaiicore vomitcore" thing...... why do people love to post about shit theyve never seen/read, like you look like a fucking idiot...... i dont know why people dont have any shame in being posers, like man if youre gonna post hatsune miku all edgy/quirky/whatever, you could at least listen to a vocaloid song that ISN'T the anamaguchi one. idk man its just annoying.

listen, i miss 2008 too. but all these 13 year olds go into a frenzy over a fake version of it, it seems so ingenuine. all of this seems so ingenuine. everything is irony poised nowadays, and even when people remind you to be genuine, it comes across as "haha IM so genuine look at me" virtue signalling.

the wcdonalds shit is the classic "corpos trying to be cool with the kids" and everyone falling for it because WOAH MCDONALDS KNOWS ABOUT ANIME!??!?!?! BUT ANIME IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO NICHE AND NERDY JUST LIEK ME LOL!!!!!!!! and having no ounce of self-awareness. its a shitty marketing scheme and you fell for it, try to be at least a little more self-aware next time, okay?

everything has become so ingenuine, anime has become cool now which makes it lame because everyone wants to be a quirky nerd weeb hehehehehe im such a weeb xP LOLOLOLOL but is too scared to be ACTUALLY weird and cringe so we get this godawful hybrid where people are still so convinced that enjoying anything japanese makes you cuh-RINGE even though they'll never admit that, but they still know that everyone else likes anime nowadays (even though everyone else has the same thoughts about being cringe as themselves) so they can play it off by pretending to be a weird cringe weeb LOL i LOOOOOOVE anime boobs i LOOOOOOVE big titty goth anime mommy gf. shut up youre not original youre not funny youre just annoying. come be REAL cringe like the rest of us.

but what do i know

actually i DO know that people are annoying and anime should be gatekept from every tiktok user.

the anime con was cool though because people there are proudly cringe and are very very genuine.

id love to hear other peoples thoughts

7/6/24

8/10/24

god i hate this

now im not saying i miss being in 7th and 8th grade. but i miss the idea.... i got hit with a huge nostalgia wave and now its so over i will NEVER be twelve again and that is good but also bad.

i am an empty husk, like a cicada shell. man i gotta start taking my prescription again.

i hate loud noises and there were too many loud noises today, i hate people yelling and there was a lot of yelling lately (not like, bad yelling, just like, people need someones attention and they decide to get that by yelling which i hate) i hate people getting snippy and there were people getting snippy and i got nervous and stressed so i went home even though iwanted to stay longer......... im too sensitive i think i get nervous so easily but then again i havent been regularly taking my prescription since i got back from university for the summer......... bad idea man...... anyway i really really really with people were more patient and just didnt get snippy and took it easy. just take it easy man jsut take it easy. just be less loud and take it easy. i dont care what people do as long as theyre quiet and clean up after themselves; please everyone just be more quiet please that would be so nice please no loud noises no yelling okay thank you

im so fucked man.

i love being alone and quiet i thinkn everyone should be more quiet pleaseeeeeeee!

sometimes it feels like i am doomed to die by self inflicted gunshot wound, like ive never even SHOT a gun and i have no intention or plan of ever buying one but yknow what it just always feels like thats how i'll die no matter what.....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa man sometimes i think that i hope no one ever speaks to me ever again because i dont like interacting with others so if i just turn invisible that would be nice, or even better i have the ability to turn off my hearing whenever i want, but i would still be able to filter channels so that i could heear nice things and not people yelling and things clattering. that would be so nice i wish i could do that so much.....

but also i just want to go away and be left alone forever in a small cabin where i sit inside all day and go catatonic , i want to do nothing at all forever not even eat or drink, i should become a monk or something.......... i want to be left alone forever unless i want to visit people then i should visit poeple but also the second i get overwhelmed or whatever i can jsut teleport back to my cabin and go catatonic until i recover that WOULD be nice i think. and i would have bunnyes.

oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man i need to go missing i need to go missing i need to go missing

10/7/24

sometimes i froget im two-zero years old. thatas fucked UP man. one day ill look back on these times and think "wow i wish i were 20 and wasting all my time indulging in shitty otaku culture nd sleeping all the time."

i wish i could animate

i wish i was a sad anime angel girl. like mizusu from air

i gotta make stuff man......

bingbingbingbingbingbingbingbingbingbingbing

wooooooooooogghhhh

10/28/24

i feel bad i havent been updating as much lately... ive just beeen so busy working on stuff @ the theater....!!!

ive kind of made peace with tthe fact that i will never be fully understood, i mean its kind of obvious no one will be fully understoond bcuz of like....... AT fields n shit man. im a much less nervous person now than before which is also good. i live a peaceful life now. i have become calm, placid, complacent, still, contented, etc.

i mean im still a tortured artist i guess, im still consumed by jealousy often when it comes to art. sometimes ill go on websites and look at sewing stuff and remember that im NGMI.... or i will remember that ********* of all people has the position in ************ and not me and i am filled with a jealous rage........ HER of all people..... but as noriko takaya says, i just need to aim for the top and itll be alright. it'll be alright

sometimes i feel very normal now, its most likely because im not in high school anymore and im not surrounded by those kinds of people anymore. well, in my department i'm still surrounded by those kinds of people, but ive made peace with the fact that i never liked those kinds of poeple anyway and it doesnt bother me anymore if im sitting alone in the corner doing whatever. when i was younger i would feel so ashamed of not talking to anyone and having trouble making friends in places i didnt know anyone, as in, i had to know people beforehand to be able to talk to them and be friends (which becomes impossible), i was confused at how people could just talk to other people normally (i bet you can even find entries on here of me talking about that). but ive just kind of accepted that ill never be able to do that and ive made peace with it. nowadays i have an easier time talking with people in work situations, but i still wont talk to them outside of such situations unless we really get along obviously. im not pressuring myself to make friends anymore which is nice, it is peaceful. i always knew i wasnt meant to be that kind of person but i didnt really accept it, i needed to make friends always, even though it never worked, leaving me alone and alienated. but i dont really care anymore, i have friends that i like and that like me, and sometimes i can even make friends on my own. of course there is still distance between us, it takes time to build a friendship with small distance between two people.

i like the friends i have and they like me too, i think its good ive finally realized that. i think also a lot of it is the fact that im not in high school anymore.

i live a peaceful life now, i dont worry about what other people think as much, i just do whatever and im happy and others are happy and that's nice. i dont need to be popular and friends with everyone to be considered worthwile. i am not false nor fake i am simply me, i am bonded to all people

hmmm, today i will experience catharsis regarding my socialization issues

its nice

11/6/24

alright i finisihed my thing tht was due tomorrow.

my room is cold as hell right now

its been a long semester

i got a flat tire when i was doing theater work which sucked ass since i was driving people to and from the venue; luckily two of the guys working were very very very kind and had tools to help me change my tire. my ma visited and we got a new tire put on but it turns out i had another flat. TWO flats.

then my glasses broke down the bridge

then a few nights ago there was a shrew in my room and i was tweaking out

then. yknow

but at least there are bunnies

11/14/24

I'm writing this on my telephone right now waug

anyway I think I'm gonna like, throw up from nervousness or something. like I said there's the shrew in the house. I don't wanna say I'm scared of him but it just freaks me out sosososososososob much I get so freaked out.

I wish Iwas back home and snuggling das katzen and huffing them and then I could see my beloved and we could hold hands together

I'm just so goddamn nervous I jump at every noise I hear in my room thinking it could be the shrew like I said I'm gonna throw up. and then I remember that there are also things I need to do for class but actually I'm making good progress I THINK MAYBE I DON'T KNOW MAYBE THAT'S A LIE I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I WANT TO BE SEWING FOR PROJECTS BUT I CAN'T LAY OUT MY STUFF BECAUSE THERE IS A SHREW AND I GET SO TERRIFIED OF THE THOUGHT OF HAVING THE SHREW NEAR ME WHILE I'M WORKING SO I'M KIND OF FUCKED RIGHT???? RIGHT????? RIGHT?????? RIGHT?????? RIGHT?????? RIGHT???????

but my one paper for class is going well so far, I went on a walk tonight to clear my head and that helped but then I had to go back home and now my heart rate is through the roof and I'm tweaking a little

what a fucking baby

I've been reading for leisure lately. it's good. you should read for leisure more. when's the last time you read a book after graduating high school? you should read more it's good for you

I just finished reading "penance" by Eliza Clark and it was very very very good

I also recently read "outlawed" by Anna North and I was not a fan

right now I'm reading "before the fall" by William safire. it's about Nixon.... what a guy huh?

I should try to sleep soon

I'm just so nervous, or rather, I'm just so tweaked out right now I'm a paranoid wreck, if I hear anything my heart rate spikes and I get so terrified. I hate this I hate this I hate this, I can't sleep I'm so paranoid

oh man what would Nixon do???????

I think I am less sick in the head in a negative sense, and now I am generally just sick in the head. I've embraced being generally sick in the head. being negatively sick in the head I'm still working on but I've made lots of progress and accepting being generally sick in the head was an important part of that. but I'm still generally off kilter I think, people are aware as well.

I say as I tweak the fuck out over a shrew in the house..... but you gotta throw me a bone just this once alright? shits not fun man, I'm paranoid et al.

I just wanna be able to go home and relax and not dread going home because of shrew

take me away. someone save me. I'm not cut out for being

I miss mein katzen they are sehr gut

president

2/8/24