well i mamanged to go a bit without needing to make a new entry in here but after spending all day in bed not doing anything worthwile. well. you know how it is

here i am again wasting my life away.

um i had a fun sprng break i went to illinois to look @ fossils with my beloved and that was really fun but now i am oonce again here. and i will talk about htat more on the homepage later

fuck man i hate everyone online i wish everything was quiet

anyway i got the blues today and idk why but i guess it was time to suffer the blues so here we are. i spent all day in bed like i previously mentioned and i dont have the energy to make food and i dont have the car to get food and i would never stoop so low as to use a delivery app because i am irritating and pretentious.

you see the thing is i cant go on here and slam on my keyboard about how much i hate my life anymore like i did when i was in high school. idk why i just dont got that fire in me anymore. hhhhhhhhhh maybe its because my life is better than it was in high school but im still torn between realizing "my life is better" and "i still hate my life" and there is still inertia from back in the day or something. ugh i dont know man. i dont know. i dont know. whatever.

well we'll see what happens i guess. i dont know. i want to scoop out my consciousness and place it in a much more fulfilled and engaging life and now its 5pm and i have done nothing today even though iw was supposed to dig out my car from the snow and do work for class and idk do some other shit i guess idk man i dont know.

i hate when i am offered food that i am not 100% certain ill enjoy because if i do not enjoy it then i look very rude refusing it so i will eat what i can manage and people will say "oh so you dont like it?" and ill say "im going to kill myself" just kidding. ill say "haha im not very hungry :)" and theyll say "u need to eat more" and i fucking HATEEEEEEE OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG when people talk about my eating habits in front of me

"ahhhh but u said u were hungry do u not want anything im offering?" NO I DONT BUT I DONT WANT TO SAY THATTTTTTTTTTTTTT "omg haha i gueess u were hungry u ate that fast" KILL URSELF OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG "uwu u need to eat more u are toooooooooooo skinny" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IM GONNA HANG MYSELF

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK MAN FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

did you know that if you make any comments about someones eating habits you go to hell before you die. did you know that. did you know. did you know. did you know. did you know. did you know.

one day i will go apeshit scorched earth. i hate eating and i hate doing anything"""""""""""""""""

"omg just eat the food for gods sake" FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""

i need to get shot like a rabid dog

but despite everything i must remember that there are good things. illinois was very fun and i found cooooooooool fossils B) and i had lots of fun with my beloved we had a tiny motel room and it was cozy and the blankets were toasty and we watched the muppets and then slept and we ate a lot of oranges because oranges are very good

like i said i am torn between "my life is better" and "my life is a nightmare" because there are a lot of things. going on.

well i think i have given up all hope of everything

i hate being me

garma zabi

OUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH GARMAAAAAAAAAA OUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GARMAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GARMAAAAAAA GARMA GARMA GARMA AUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH GARMAAAAAAAAAAA

GARMA AA GARMA GARMA GARMA GARMA AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG OUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GARMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GARMAAAAAAAA

i NEEEEEEEEEED to get a kpop photocard holder keychain and place garma in there. i need to. its the only thing that will fix me. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing. the only thing.

garma zabi garma zabi garma zabi garma zabi OUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GARMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

that stupid fucking freak of nature was too good for this sick and twisted world. amen.

garma zabi...........

well im back downstate for the summer... well i've been back since for a little less than a month actually, but its only now ive had the drive to update.

and as always, i hate my life still. i was doing work in *************** for a theater, so i had to stay up there for about a month after the semester ended. i didnt mind the work at all and it will be good on a resume. but im back down here.

you see, i thrive at university !!!! well i shouldnt say thrive because im unmotivated but what im trying to get at is that i am a facsimile of a real adult upstate. i have TWO jobs, i run a club, i pay bills and buy groceries and whatevre and do shit!!!!!! but alas. downstate i have no job and i live with my parents still and i feel like a child.

it will be okay though. it will be okay. it will be okay.

i just hate being down here i miss being up there. its like i have my own life up there far away from everything else. i want to take my beloved up there with me and we will live a peaceful life with THREE bunnys.

i have become very aware that i am at a crossroads. i hope i meet the devil and he gives me powers in exchange for lifespan.

(boomer voice) in-laws, am i right?????????????????

exhuasted sigh

i never said that though.

i have this pair of sunglasses ive been wearing lately that make me feel like CHAR!!!!!!!

GOD i wish i was as cool as CHAR CHAR CHAR!!!!!!

im srsly thinkign of making a char cosplay because it would be good for me to practice making men's fashion, and also char is so cool

IMA WA II NO SA SUBETE NO WASURETE

CHAR!

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH my hard drive is about to DIEEE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MY CRAZY NOISY BIZZARE LIFE

LMAO do i look like i am made of money?????? i cant afford a new hard drive in this economy!!!!!!!!

just remember that you will always feel this way!!! no matter what!!!!!! I WILL ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

l8ly ive been getting these midday tweakouts. like i aint even doin nothin mang and ill start tweakin OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! my GOD i HATE IT

the fucking ECONOMY and shit mang FUCK IM NGMI NGMI NGMI NGMI

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND I GRADUATE THIS SEMESTER TOO FUCK MY LIFE WHAT DO I DO AFTER THAT well actually thats an easy answer i go to graduate school so i can put off entering the workforce until the Economy(tm) is Better(tm). hopefully. YEAH AS IF LMAOOOOOOOOOO

and if i do not get into graduate school well.......... lets just say i havent ruled out that option yet! no im just kidding....... i could never do that but i sure will dream about it......

AND SUCH the cycle will continue, as in, i will ALWAYS feel this way!!!!!!! as in, no matter the contentedness and peace i will feel at the moment (and believe me i do in fact feel contentedness and peace at times when i am with my darling and other such moments), there will always be a bit in the back of my head saying IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER no matter how currently "better" it is.

HAUU HAUU HAUUUU~!

my god i need to get more normal. sorry there is something seriously wrong with me.

wait a moment. i got some funky shit spinning right now. okay maybe things aren't so bad. well, let me specify, the internal conditions are alright although a bit shaky due to having no money, but at least i am with my darling and soon i will be back in ***************** where i can PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG BABY!!!!!!! the external conditions, as we are all acutely aware, are bad. things are bad in general.

nonetheless it was nice to at the very least get some griping and bitching and moaning out of my system, i was a bit overdue for a bitching and moaning session, even if a bit brief. but thats OKA!Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no i dont know what im doing in the future and there will always be the option in the back of my head regardless of my contentedness and i have very little hope for the overall future and im hurting for money. but at least..... (shoujo anime girl voice) but at least....... i have these friends that i cherish...!!! and the connections you make with other will always keep you together...!!

AHHHHHHH there is great fear about my future!!!!!!! and at this very moment in time i am able to reach over for comfort!!!!!!! AND WHAT A TENSION THAT CREATES!!!!!!!!!!!