Auauauau but don't you already have a page full of words n shit???
yeah but thats like..... more like a diary. this is gonna be fucking words. like where i actually put words and sentences into a form, instead of being angtsy and just puking out words.
longposting, if you will
dont worry, i'll still write in president.html.
So anyway what i was thinking is that this page will be like all the other cool neocities sites that have like, a "thoughts" page or whatever. I mean i have one of those, but it's not really organized thought, it's just me being LOL SO EMO LOLOLOL and stuff like that i guess. So that makes this page for things that are too long for president.html or the home page. its like the uh....... i dont fucking know im just writing words down. who knows if this will be like, a thing, or whatever. I kind of hope it is though because like, president.html is for like angtsy emotions or whatever, and I dont want to link it on the homepage, out in the open, yknowwhatimsayin?? And the home page isnt for super long pieces of text, either. So its like, shit might as well make a page for this one specific occasion. or whatever.
anyway im kind of a fucking dumbass, because whenever i talk to someone irl for more than five seconds im always like "LOLOLOL YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKING WEBBED SIGHT?!?!?!" and i show them my website because im proud of it. anyway thats why i cant link president.html to the homepage because then they might see me being stupid. i dont know where i was going with this. No one is wondering this but my golden truth is that someone is reading this and wondering why this page looks different than the rest of my site. Anyway it's because i was 12 when i made this site and now it's four years later and i'm not spending all of my time listening to vocaloid and writing about my favorite vocaloid ships or whatever. Sometimes I think about if i'm still going to have this in the future and the answer is yes but then i wonder what it will look like, because like i said i made this site when i was in 7th grade, and idk i just wonder if it will still look like it does on all the other pages. idk. So i decided this will be the page where i make it all "mature" or whatever. not because i'm all like "auauauau well i'm not in middle school anymore its time to be all grown up" or "no more fun", because this is fun, but its like "lol okay i want a page like this because the other cool neocities sites have pages like this". dont worry im not fucking selling out and losing the fun glittery graphics, there's just a time and a place for those and it's not here, because i said so.
I think i'll link this to the homepage, i dont know. i'm very tempted to just write "PENIS COCK LOL FUCKING PENIS" or something like that, but no thats for president.html. Sometimes i really do regret showing this page to other people irl, because now i can't write all the shit i could if i was 101% anon y. mouse on here. I mean i'm still very anonymous on here because no one i know irl has a webpage of their own, but they still have the url, so im worried if i write shit on here they'll read it and think im a lunatic. "As if anything you write on here is weird enough to make people think you're a lunatic"
............ see i could write something weird after that but i wont because what if people irl see it?? exactly.!! Here's a fun fact no one cares about: this page is called nanodesu.html because i was listening to that hanyuu nanodesu song when i was making the file. it's also why there is "auauau" in the first div. Well im already out of fucking ideas. See what i could do it start going off about how "god i cant ever think of any fucking ideas whatafuk is wrong with me oh god everyone thinks im a lunatic oh god oh god oh god oh shit oh fuck"...... but 1) that belongs on president.html and 2) listen pal im trying not to be so miserable and panicky all the time, and that doesn't really help me. Sometimes though it's definetly a sort of "PROTIP: purposefully keep yourself miserable to stay cool :^)" thing. And OH GOD they were right when they said misery loves company or whatever, because OH GOD is it so tempting to just be a miserable bastard forever, because that's what makes you cool. and i want to say that it does but i'm not allowed to. "says who??" me ;_;. gotta like, set rulez 4 yourself or whatever. God everything i type is fucking terrible. Its like there is a mean middle school girl looking over my shoulder and saying "WHY DONT YOU JUST GIVE UP AND DIE LOL". its eva-beatrice im talking about eva-beatrice. what the fuck is wrong with me why would anyone type sentences like this. No i dont mean that in the "oh god whatafuk is wrong with me oh god oh shit oh fuck" its a more rational self-disgust. MEN ONLY HAVE 2 MOODS: panicky self-disgust and rational self-disgust. if im not talking about touhou or umineko on this site, it's because i'm doing one of the types of disgust.
anyway thats enough for today because i cant think of anything else.
before i write anything else: let it be known that i know this might sound stupid and overreacting and "omg why do you care about this fucking loser" but listen here pal, this is my webbed sight and i'll write whatever the hell i want.
I've been into touhou for a very very very very long time. Actually it's more accurate to say I've been tangenitally (lol genital) aware of touhou for a very very very long time. It wasn't until around 6th grade that i really got into touhou, and around 7th grade i was playin the games n shit. Anyway i got into touhou fumofumos around this time and started reading the fumo general on 4/20/18 my very first fumo arrived, alice margatroid~! Fun fact if you go on my archive page you can find the entry i wrote about alice fumo!! Anyway, yeah i got into fumo around this time and fumo became one of my hobbies because 1) i like touhou and 2) i like dolls. And so for many years (like four but whatever) i would read the fumo general take it easy with my fumos and everyone else would take it easy with their fumos and everyone was comfy and could take it easy. Fast forward to this year, and fumos are becoming more popular, and its like, okay well i'm glad more people are welcoming a soft girl into their life, but that's not really what's happening. Fumos are becoming the "funny meme touhou doll" on places like tw*tter and d*scord (yeah yeah yell at me for putting my discord on here but that username is outdated nd i never even use discord anyway) and so people will see a fumo and think "lol funny meme doll" and want to buy one just for teh memez or just for """"clout"""", not even knowing what touhou is. And so these people will buy the funny FoTM meme doll and show all their internet friends and then they'll want to buy a funny meme doll and so on and so forth, and then a majority of people who buy fumos are doing it because they want the funny meme doll. And so as more people buy fumo with the idea of "lol i have the funny doll now", they discover places to talk about fumos but don't bother lurking to learn the culture and how not to act like a total dumbass. Like holy shit in the recent fumo threads, you can pick out who's there because of the funny dolls based on the way they type, and they stick out like a sore thumb using their outsider memes. So when these people (and i use that term lightly) who post mindlessly without lurking to learn how to act, it's obvious they're only here for the FoTM meme doll, making everything uneasy. Like someone posted that they were excited they were getting their first fumo, which is great, but then announced they weren't really familiar with touhou they just liked the doll...... if you're going to buy a fumo without knowing touhou, please please please at the very least don't say "lol im not really familiar with touhou". If you're new to fumofumo or touhou, please please please don't bring in outsider memespeak. The fumo threads over the past month or so have been full of outsiders, and it's very easy to tell who they are.
And now people are gonna say "omg are you really gatekeeping fumo dolls fucking loser" yes i am. Actually, let me clarify: I have no problem with newcomers to fumo. If you want to buy a fumo, please go for it and welcome a fumo into your life!!!! Fuck it, even if you're just buying a fumo because she's cute, that's fine as long as you behave yourself in fumo threads and don't bring in outsider speak. HOWEVER, if you're buying a fumo just for the memes and the clout of having a funny FoTM meme doll, and you then proceed to shit up a community you have no knowledge about, you need to fuck off ``please". Why the hell would you spend good money on an expensive doll when you're just buying her for teh funni memz?? They lack love for fumo and love for soft...... Anyway I really hope the meme dies off and we can take it easy again.
what it says on the tin, pal. I've wanted to write about this for a while now, and I finally got around to doing it. anyway, i truly do love being a teenage girl, not in the sarcastic way. like, im thankful for who i am right now. i love being stupid with my friends and giggling over dumb shit and having crushes and being dramatic and being feminine and also not being feminine. ik this might sound like a "lol who cares" thing but gott damnit I care!!! anyway this matters to me because when i was very young, like 4-5 years old or smth i was very, like, stereotypical little girl. i liked princess dresses and i liked pink and i liked flash dressup games and shit like that. and i was real happy n shit, god i was just fuckin around and watching flash cartoons n shit it was nice. anyway i dont remember exactly when, but eventually i kind of hated being girly, i wanted to be.. oh god i cant even say it..... "not like other girls" who liked dolls and horses and shit like that. i think it was around when i was 6. anyway i didn't actively think it but i definetly hated being a girl back then and i wanted to be Not Like That. i would be like "yea my favorite color is black and i play pokemon unlike other girls and i hate dresses and i hate haing cute hair", shit like that, and i built up a reputation of being the "tomboy", becaue to be seen as feminine in any way was the worst thing ever for me. And here's where I write the essay about how afab people are told from birth that they're "frivolous, dramatic, talk too much, stupid" shit like that by the media around us, and how women who are obviously feminine, as in, hair makeup dresses nails shit like that, are always portrayed as "mean, dumb, drama queens" and girls who weren't like that, who had more "masculine" interests were considered cool and funny and shit like that. So like, i would associate traditionally feminine hobbies as being bad. But anyway, that's an essay thats been said millions of times before. point is, i didn't want to be like "other girls". and so like I said, i built up this reputation of being all "like one of teh boys XDD LOLOL". BUT DEEP DOWN, i still wanted to wear cute dresses and play with dolls, i just never did because i internalized this hatred of anything "girly"; the idea of being "girly" was engraved in my psyche as being a bad thing, so i could never enjoy traditionally feminine things because that was BAD!!!! and so everyone, even my family, knew me as "le ebin cool tomboy".
Anyway i was like this for some years, where i hated being feminine. And now is the part where i say that im aware that objectively, things like wearing dresses and dolls arent't feminine, as in, they have no objective "gender", the idea that certain things are feminine and others masculine is entirely subjective, but when everyone agrees that is "is" or "isn't", then the border of subjectivity and objectivity is like, less clear. Gender doesn't exist but it also does. Anyway, i didn't like being what people viewed as "feminine" because i was led to believe it was a bad thing. and here's the part where i know what i say will sound dorky, but who give a shit. it was around this time i got into touhou, where it was all girls and they all wore cute dresses and were feminine..... and omg they were cool?!?!? touhou definetly helped me realize that being feminine isn't a bad thing, because there's all these girls that are obviously feminine but they're also smart and cool and funny and nice, and like, omg i wanted to be like them?!?! and i also got into sewing, because when you can sew, you can make anything you want, and goddamnit i wanted to make cute dolls. and it was ALSO around this time where i began to learn that being a girl is a choice, like i really didn't have to be a girl if i really didnt want to. but deep down, i really did want to be a girl. so i made the concious choice to be one. and i realized that the way to show the world what i enjoy and what i like is to "bee urself!!!!11 XDDD". like i know it sounds dorky, but really, when you learn that you can express yourself in any way regardless of gender, its very freeing. because really, im only here for a while, might as well enjoy it. i can enjoy feminine things and be thought of as a "silly teenage girl", but like, yeah thats who i am. like, you think of a stereotypical silly teenage girl giggling on the phone with her friend, writing in her diary, having crushes on people, being dramatic, like yeah thats me. finding happiness n shit.
so anyway i guess my point is that sometimes you fit into a stereotype because thats just who you are, and who you enjoy to be. and yea, as long as you arent a real dick hurtin other ppl, thers nothin wrong with that. and i mean, its not like i even fit the stereotype to a t. i'm still not like, super feminine or shit, bcuz the way i am right now is what i enjoy being. and i think i'm satisfied if i can find a balance between "i want to be feminine" and "i would rather be less feminine", which is where i am rn. like i said, gender isn't really real, but like, it is. if boys want 2 wear cute dresses n makeup n shit that great bcuz it helps like... gender-neutralize those objects that have no objective gender. and if like, a teenager whos not afab is like, "god damn i want to be a silly teenage girl", then they have like, the power to transition and become the silly teenage girl, and they can wear the cute dresses and makeup and still be a silly teenage girl because like, they have their own view on what "feminine" is, and if that view is "stereotypical", who gives a shit, because like, this whole goddamn essay was about how its okay to be like that. enjoyee enjoyee enjoyee your life is what im tryna say here. enjoy what you want to!!!!!!
i went on youtube today and i saw a video analysis of "rise of the brave tangled dragons" fandon. here's the link. if you weren't in the tumblr-pinterest-sphere of the early 2010s and you dont know whatafuk im talkin about, i'll give you a qrd. it was this bigass crossover fandom between the movies rise of the guardians, brave, tangled, and how to train ur dragon. thats ur qrd. onto the main point i was gonna talk about
although it may be hard to believe, given..... a lot of things about this website...... i was part of the tumblr-pinterest-sphere in the early 2010s, because i had a dear friend who lived down the street from me, she was 3 years older than me and we would hang out and go on pinterest to look at tumblr reposts and disney princess fanart. You know, like the hipster disney edits with rapunzel, or the "pocket princesses" blog, or general tumblr-adajecent stuff. if you know what im talking about you know what im talking about, but if you dont, watch the video i linked and it'll give u an idea of what it was like. modern aus n shit, hogwarts aus, you know the drill. anyway so i would go to my buddy's house and look at pinterest with her; she was totally one of those "ya dystopian john green joey graceffa hunger games" kinda gals that you dont see anymore, god i loved her so much. she moved away and i still miss her ;_; FUCK i keep getting off topic. we were in the pinterest-sphere is what im tryna say here.
so anyway we'd be scrollan and browsan, and we'd find shit related to "rise of the brave tangled dragons" and we were both like wtf is this???? not in a "omg so cringe" kinda way, but more like a "fascinating" kind of way. my buddy was pretty neutral on it, but i kind of became obsessed with it. no, i wasnt in the fandom. i was in the "observing the rotbtg fandom" fandom, members: me. i just didnt get it. i just didnt get why all these people were so interested in seeing interactions between these movies........ i just didnt get it!!!!!!!! i was 8, 9, 10 at the time, i dont fucking remember, so maybe it was just me being a stupid kid struggling to understand things far beyond me. i think part of the reason for my fascination was because uhh i was a little girl and i liekd disney princesses!!!!!! but on the other hand, i just didnt get it!!!!!!!! but i was so fascinated by it. at this point, maybe someone'll be like "bro u were in the fandom fandom", but i never like, looked at jelsa edits on youtube or read hogwarts au fanfiction or looked at elemental-powers fanart. but like, i kind of was. it was weird. you would see that shit all over pinterest, and i'm assuming tumblr (i didnt have tumblr at the time so idk), and idk i look back on it fondly because i miss 2014, but also because it was kinda everywhere. and when frozen came out, it became integrated into rotbtg, becoming "rise of the brave tangled frozen dragons". this is off-topic but the movie "frozen" is older than gay marriage in the united states..... food for thought. so when frozen came out and integrated itself, i'd hear let it go on the radio and think "oough rotbtfd", cementing itself into my brain.
this aint the longest longpost but i'd figure i had enough to say (even if was disjointed) to warrant longposting. i mean i really cant say nothin that wasnt already said in the video, so go watch the video. its a good analysis of where the fandom came from (answering the question that had me so obsessed in the first place), and also the evolution and growth of the fandom. it's also a reminder of tumblr-pinterest-sphere culture. i hate to say it because i know "doujin-adjacent" internet culture kind of died around 2012 (which is a longpost for another day), but i am a little nostalgic for those 2013-2016 tumblr/pinterest days. fuck, i'll say it. rotbtg was the closest the western hemisphere got to a large-scale doujin culture. no... that might be mlp, which was also fucking gigantic those years, but my point still stands, sort of. mlp had a reputation, and i mean rotbtg probably did too, but much less so. i say this because it was just a bunch of people doing shit because they thought it was cool. there was no monetization, as far as i know, and it was just... idk. maybe i'm grasping at straws by calling it "doujin culture", or im just being a stupid weeaboo calling it "doujin" instead of the basic "fandom", i dont know. so actually, no, im wrong. rotbtd wasn't the closest to large-scale doujin culture. it was just a bigass fandom. i would love to study the people who were actively in the fandom. so fascinating!
OH FUCK i mentioned "doujin-adjacent internet culture" died in 2012, i will write about that later but its because of the monetization and corporatization of the internet!!!! stay tuned for that, even though i know everyone else on neocities has written about that, i dont care!! its a neocities rite of passage at this point LOL!!!!!!!
on new years I went to my friends house 4 a fête, and we watched the movie encanto. It was cute~ not cute as in, "Kirbys epic yarn", but cute as in... it was just a silly goofy movie that's fun. Now listen, I haven't really seen any new disnep movies since like... inside out came out or smth. And like, I know disnep movies are hyper-marketable so they can get money off merch, and that they've been sanitized to hell so that there's no controversy surrounding the movie or whatever; it's all very calculated to ensure disnep doesn't lose profits. But fuck man, sometimes u just wanna watch a silly goofy movie that you can just kinda turn your brain off and enjoy for what it is. Allah forgive me for uttering this word... but it has "soul", or at least, as much soul as a hypermarketable disnep movie can have. It's cute. It's silly and goofy. It's fun. And MY GOD the animation was enough to make a man cum in the middle of the movie. I hate disnep as a corporation and as a business, but I can still appreciate the original art they can make. I think that's why I said "soul", it's calculatedly good, no inch was left unpolished by the hands of The Mouse(TM), but like, when's the last original disnep movie come out?? No shitty live action remake, no capeshit, but like, an actual movie. We're starved for oregano content that isn't like...... poisoned by irony. Idk it was fun.
inb4 quit shilling for disnep. Aw listen man, I ain't shilling, I'm just sayin I liked the movie bcuz it 1) didn't take itself too seriously and 2) wasn't poisoned by irony and 3) was cute. Mostly it was cute was why I liked it. And ik disnep manufactured the movie to be cute, but idc at this point I just want a silly goofy movie that's fun. I can't be depressed all the time, sometimes you just gotta watch shit u know is hypermarketable but god damnit it's a fun movie and you want to watch a fun movie. It's cute. Its nice. Yeah id say it's a good movie. I liked it. My friends n I thought Maribel looked like Ms Pauling lolololol, also I rlly liked Bruno I looked at him and said "waow it me" also Dolores was a cute! A CUTE!!!!! I'm just surprised we didn't get another one of disneps first openly gay character LOLOLOLOLOLOL who's disneps next first gay character gonna be???? LMAOOOOOOO
anyway I ain't got much else to say, ik this wasn't the longest but idk i just wanted to write abt encanto. It's fun and that's really all it needed to be. That's a lot of words to say that I just liked a movie bcuz it was fun... God I sound so pretentious!!! I sound like a f*lm student!!! Sorry I can't stand filmbros or av students. I ever tell you how insufferable av students at my school are??? But that's for another page >_<
so abortion is now died in the usa, hmmm. tbh im surprised it lasted this long; if i didnt know america hadlegal abortion, and you showed me a list of all the countris with legal abortions i'd be surprised to see the usa on there. heres a funny story, when i was a kid i didnt know what abortion was so when i went to a friends house they had a magnet on their fridge that said "god is pro-life" and i was like duh?? who isnt pro-life??
anyway so abortion is died now, at least thats what all signs are pointing to. i mean we wont get the decision decision until june, but who doesnt love a good outrage? i like abortion, i think joe biden should give out free socialism gay queer vaccine abortions for everyone. abortion is one of those things that i can understand why someone would be anti-abprtion though. i think roe v wade being repealed is bad. wamens rights and all that. but im not here to tlak about abprtion because everyone else on earth has already done that. i agree with the pro-choice protests n shit, but there is one thing that bothers me. i hate the phrase "no uterus no opinion". it feels so weird.
"no uterus no opinion" feels so terfy. mfers without a uterus are allowed to have an opinion on abortion. idk how to put this into words properly, but like, everyone who is a #girl is a #girl. trangender women are #girls. cisgender women are #girls. #girls need to be united, yknow man? abortion is mainly (i say mainly) a women's issue, all women are allowed to have an opinion. yes, that includs women without a uterus. its saying trans women arent allowed to have an opinion on something that is a big deal in the woman community, which is like, man you're helping no one by excluding transgender women. and ppl might say "well u cant get pregrant w/o a uterus!!" and?? are women not allowed to have a say in something that affects their fellow women?? transgender women have opinions that are valuable to the international society of women (all 3.8 billion and counting!), excluding them from an important issue to women because they dont have a certain organ is just fucking weird. every member of the international soceity of women (all 3.8 billion of us) is allowed to have an opinion on issues important to women. even if they have no uterus. even if they cant get pregnant. even if their opinion is bad. and i mean i get what the message behind the phrase is supposed to be, cisgender men lawmakers shouldnt decide what is and isnt right for women, but its still got that terfy feel to it, man.
anyway thats all i had to say, its been on my mind lately.
ive been in universty for like, a month now huh. there have been elton john moments, but that is to be expected and so im really not worried about it. there have also been other elton john moments, there have been good times. i guess the reason why im writing this on auau.html or whatever the fuck this page is called instead of the homepage is because i have lots of words and they wouldnt really fit on the homepage. anyway, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh RIGHT im learnig java, so maybe one day i will makea danmakufu game now that i have some experience with real coding instead of just html and terminal commands. and i hardly know any terminal commands anyway :/ im also taking calc 3 which i enjoy, vectros n shit right now its pretty simplew. AHHHHHHHHHH maybe ill start doing baby rudin too... im just very not used to set theory shit so when rudins all like "imagine a set and antiderivatives are part of this set and..." im a little confused. if i ever do a baby rudin thing i'll call it "hole in my face" becasue there are still holes in my face here. im majoring in computer engineering idk if i ever said that before. i like computers and system administration and operaing systems
but thats not why m writing this; i have dilemmas. i talk to people here, i have friends, i do things, i understand my classes, i think im well adjusted. i miss my kitty cats sosososososos much though. so much. i miss them so much i miss my kitties. but thats also not why im writing this.
i think i made a mistake going to engineering school. yes, i like computers and shit but thats not where my passions lie!!!!! if they were, i would be doing computer shit in my spare time because im so passsionate about computers!!! but im not!!!!!!!! what am i doing in my free time?!?!?!??! IM DREAMING OF ART!!!!!!!! oh but not just art, textile arts!!!!! oh god i need to be doing fashion!!!! thats where my passions are!!!!!!!!!11!!!one!!!!11!!!one1! dear GOD I NEED TO BE DESIGNING CLOTHES AND MAKING CLOTHES AND DOING ALL THAT GLAMOROUS SHIT!!!!!!! COSTUME DESIGN!!!!!!!! MAKING PRETTY DRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!! in my spare time im drawing outfits and dresses and ensembles and i dream of the glamour and drama and flamboyance and beauty of it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and so it seems like i am stuck in a tragic situation where i am forced at gunpoint to become a codemonkey wageslave doing sysadmin for companies that manufacture weapons for the military and i want to kill myself and i have lost all my dreams!!!!!!!!! but that is not so!! because for once in my goddamn life i have taken initiative instead of just letting all the opprotunities go by because im too scared to take initiative. i have a goddamn plan. so i realized my dreams are not in engineering and i made an appointment with a counselor, and i told her my dilemma, and she helped me make a plan.
THE ZERO CLAM REQUIEM. i am going to spend a year at engineering school just to get it under my belt; i would feel weird transferring so early in the year. meanwhile, i will work in the theater's costuming department to build experience and expand my portfolio. meanwhile, i will reseaarch schools that have fashion and desgin programs. this step is already done. i found that ***** has an excellent program that integrates fashion design with theater costuming which is pretty much exactly what i was lookng for. applications are due in february, plenty of time to expand portfolio. i will fnish a year here, go home for the summer, then transfer to ******, which is also much closer to home. i've contacted the costume department for opprotunites there, they emailed me back saying to email someone so i will do that
i called my beloved to explain my plan, he was very supportive and glad i was taking initiative; i am also glad im taking initiative. i eexpained i was nervous to tell my ma n dad bcuz oh god what if they dont like it?!?!?!? he reassured me, i reassured myself. i call my ma and explain and shes supportive. the clam requiem is working.
thats all i have to say today, that also kind of explains my recent absence from neocities (also bcuz of tw*tter users shitting things up but who give a shit theyll move on to the next trend). i was so busy worrying about my dreams and then making a plan to reach them that i froget to update here ;_; gomen ;_; but anyway thats whats happening and i feel confident and happy and not nervous!!!!!!!!! i also told my friends here my plan and they think im insane but who give a shit